~L~

submerged

2011-11-06T21:48:00.003-07:00

I love this shot of Angela Powers as Jenny in my most recent short film, "submerged." She was wonderful to work with and I love how beautifully she portrayed the innocence and apprehension, that was required of the role.

More pictures to come! :)

Off the Grid Film Club: After months of hesitation, I am finally launchin...

2011-10-10T19:20:00.000-06:00

Doing a live radio interview tomorrow from 12:30 to 1:pm MST!! If you're in Colorado, tune in to KAFM 88.1 or you can stream the station live athttp://kafmradio.org/ (so excited!)

Doing a live radio interview Tuesday Oct 11th from 12:30 to 1pm MST. If your in Colorado tune into KAFM 88.1 or you can stream it live at http://kafmradio.org/

Gretchen who is interviewing me, also will be reviewing the Eulogy Maker on Off the Grid Film Club. You can check out her blog at http://offthegridfilms.blogspot.com/

I'm so excited!

Directing again :)

2011-09-12T19:51:00.001-06:00

I'm happy to tell you that my short film Eulogy Maker is still going strong. And because of that, I'm now getting more requests to direct other people's material. A long time ago, a friend asked me to direct her short and I totally botched it. We never got to finalizing the script, but I ruined a lovely friendship and I've been hesitant to take on anyone else's material since. Living life means taking chances though, and so recently, when another friend of mine asked me to direct her short, I was ready to do it. And I'm really glad I did! I had a wonderful time, the cast and crew were super and I would gladly work with all of them again. They were such hard workers and the actors were delightfully talented!! It's a wonderful feeling when everything comes together on set.

Another thing that's really different with this project, is that I'm not involved with the editing or anything relating to post production. I know this is very different from how it's normally done, but can I tell you how fun it is to only work with actors and the Dp and not have any post production butterflies or stress? To let go is a very free feeling! I could get used to this :)

!!!!

the new normal

2011-09-10T22:34:00.000-06:00

It's September and I'm getting used to the new normal.

My oldest kid is away at college (and loving it) and my youngest is actually enjoying middle school. I know - wow! (there's no middle child, just oldest and youngest ;)

I've always held that a "parent is only as happy as their least happy kid." so when they're doing good, so am I.

As for films, the summer put a huge crimp in my acting and filmmaking. I'm not complaining, these past few months were super fun - Mountain biking, catching up with friends, some beach time, more fun with family and friends and of course lots of lazy summer days.

But as usual, school started up, I started showing back up at the office, and life got very busy!!

Busy in a very good way. I'll tell you more really soon...

(Note, the obvious cliffhanger!)

Life is flying By

2011-05-22T21:43:00.003-06:00

Life seems to be coming at me fast and faster. Last week I realized several pretty big things were happening at the same time. One is that my short film, Jenny Sweet needed pick up shots. So this past week, I basically, produced and directed a mini short film. There were quite a few shots to get and even a short scene to shoot. So I cranked out the shot list and call sheet (Note: ALWAYS have a call list. Without one, you're screwed!!) and I organized the locations, got the talent on board, the DP, the Art Director and burned through those shots yesterday. It was an awesomely fun, relaxed, great time on set. Reminded me as to why I love directing!

Also this past week, I had to finally admit to myself, that my oldest kid is graduating high school, and I'm not ready for it. He may be, but I'm not. It would help if he was a pain in the ass, selfish, spoiled brat, but he's really a great kid and I'm going to miss having him around. Of course we have the coming Summer to get sick of each other, but still, those 17 years went by fast. wow.

Now though, I have to get the house ready for company, finalize festivities, finish editing and take the footage over to color correction, music, sound editor, and get the transmission fixed in the car.

Oh crap, I forgot! I need to get my kid a graduation gift. ~sigh~ I think I feel a migraine coming on. No really.

Love you Mom!

2011-05-08T20:55:00.002-06:00

Happy Mother's Day!!

Editor Mike Rocks!!

2011-05-06T20:48:00.001-06:00

I am so happy to be working with an awesomely talented, uber fast, incredibly sweet editor!! Sometimes making a film, even a short depends so much on other people and if you don't have a bunch of film student friends to draft, these things can take a long time. But to get someone so nice and easy going, with mad editing skills, has put a smile on my face all week!!

When things go well, I really feel I can do anything. Thanks Mike!!

(now about those pick up shots...)

Blogging = House Plants

2011-05-03T16:25:00.000-06:00

Someone once told me that having a blog is like having a house plant - something you need to give attention to every now and then or it'll die. Sure, a blog doesn't whither and die, but if you don't post the latest news, the amount of people coming by will dry up. But let's face it, I'm not really posting anything hot off the presses anymore. Facebook took that role and then came Twitter.

Ugh! Guess I'm having a little self imposed blogger guilt. (A waste of perfectly good guilt!).

O.K. O.K., I'll start posting more!

2011-03-11T21:20:00.000-07:00

More still from the set courtesy of Sam Butler.

my cast :)

2011-03-10T20:13:00.000-07:00

Here's my awesome cast. It's been a few days since we shot and I have to admit, I miss having them around. (L to R, Alex Benson, Victoria Arredondo, Angela Powers, Paul Pluyman.)

Last Day Filming

2011-03-06T22:53:00.000-07:00

This evening was a piece of cake compared to the rest of the weekend. Just a few simple shots here and there and voila it's a wrap.

Thanks to everyone who put in so much to help make this film.

Now on to post - I can't wait to get it done!!

the 4 in 1 day

2011-03-06T03:28:00.000-07:00

So I came home at 2:30 this morning again. A really long day on set.

In a nut shell - Again, the set looked fantastic and my actors looked super awesome! The kind folks at South Austin Brewery let us film in their brewery!!! and I loved that Schmillion could be the band for the party/concert scene. (Those girls really rock!!)

There were a lot of complicated shots, scenes set ups and tear downs, and I crammed in way too much for one day, but when you have very little budget to make a film, that's what you do.

Fortunately, everyone on set kicks ass and I wish we were filming for weeks instead of days!!

First Day of Filming Jenny Sweet

2011-03-05T03:17:00.001-07:00

First day of filming!!

My actors kicked ass, my DP shot amazing footage, the set design looked fantastic, the lighting was super and I love my AD!

As I drove home at 2:30 this morning, I felt good about how it came together and I'm excited to shoot again tomorrow.

I really hope I can sleep...

2011-03-03T22:26:00.001-07:00

I am now officially in hyper drive. I'm sorry if I run you over - it's not intentional.

Could use another one of me :)

2011-03-02T23:51:00.001-07:00

Busy day full of rehearsals, going over the new location with Richard my DP (director of photography), getting the cast changed on my kids' broken arm, and crossing things off my to do list like a mad woman. If I wasn't adding like crazy to the list, I'd feel a lot better.

I really love my story, but I wish I was enjoying preproduction more instead of fretting about every detail. I think it's because everything is so rushed. Only a few more days until I starting shooting and I still don't have anyone in charge of craft services. Don't have anyone to be a Data Wrangler (the person who downloads the video footage and synchs it with the audio, and then catalogs it. If they are super awesome, they will also mark the best cuts and pull together a rough cut of the footage:) I'm not sure if I can schedule around the band, Schmillion and I really really want them to be in the film. I have to redo how I'm going to set up my shots in the new locations.

The list goes on and on. Perhaps if I had just a few more of me, it will all get done and be awesome!!

No Go on the Power Plant

2011-03-01T07:48:00.000-07:00

Had to made the difficult decision to change the main shooting location. Argh! I had really wanted to film at the power plant. I mean I love this structure! But the City of Austin is supposed to waive fees for film makers when they shoot on city property, and they couldn't guarantee they would do that. Then they couldn't be sure they would waive some of the insurance requirements, that didn't pertain to my production. So basically, the city kept putting me of until it was too late. (I am definitely having very bad juju towards the City!).

But I'm still moving forward. It's going to take more than a major location change to derail me.

Now if only people would return my emails and phone calls, my life would be much less frantic...maybe.

We

2011-02-05T09:32:00.003-07:00

Very excited to be in pre production on my next short film, Jenny Sweet. I start shooting March 3rd and already I'm having problems sleeping - there is so much to do. Still need to find a location for one of the scenes, audition the talent, work on shot list, meet with crew, etc. etc...

But don't forget I'm also "Mom." Which means the bills still need to get paid, the groceries bought (and meals made), homework checked, laundry, and the house is a disaster zone. Oh and did I mention one of my kids broke his arm last week? Whew.

Fortunately, Mr. Spouse is cool with the house being messy and doesn't object to ordering an emergency take out order every now and then, the kids are really supportive of me being a film maker, and the Austin film community is awesomely helpful!

I guess this is why I named my film company We're Here Productions. Because to participate in this life, it takes more than just my own solo act. It's about the "we."

festival circuit

2011-02-01T09:19:00.000-07:00

Eulogy Maker has been doing super with the film festival circuit! After it screened at Austin Film Fest, it went to Anchorage International Film Fest, WorldKids Film Fest (which screens in INDIA!), Orlando IFF, and Los Angeles International Children's FF. And it has been accepted to screen at Boulder IFF, Omaha IFF, Fort Myers IFF, San Antonio FF and Cleveland IFF.

I should be hearing from a few more - keeping my fingers crossed. :)

Film Score Focus on Eulogy Maker 89.5 KMFA!

2010-12-30T21:23:00.001-07:00

Brian Satterwhite, who did the music for Eulogy Maker, is going to be highlighting the music from the film on his show, Film Score Focus on 89.5 KMFA, this Friday December 31^stat 8pm and Sunday January 2nd at 7pm, or stream it live via the internet at kmfa.org. Brian is brilliant and his show is awesome. The music he did for the film is outstanding and I highly encourage you to check it out!

I wanna go to Alaska!!

2010-11-24T16:38:00.003-07:00

It would be so wonderful to go to this festival!! It has awesome buzz and Eulogy Maker is screening three (3!) times in their Best of Super Shorts competition. I wish I could be there to thank everyone for supporting independent film, and especially thank the Anchorage Film Festival. If anyone has an extra ticket to Alaska just drop me a line!

2010-11-13T18:03:00.004-07:00

Some things don't come naturally for me, like mornings and afternoons.

Anchorage Film Festival

2010-11-10T17:26:00.004-07:00

I'm thrilled that Eulogy Maker is an official selection for the Anchorage Film Festival, and in their Super Shorts competition! They're screening my film three(!!!) times and with a festival log line of "Films worth freezing for!" what's not to love! I wish I could go.

Orlando Film Fest

2010-10-30T18:55:00.002-06:00

Eulogy Maker

Official Selection

Orlando Film Festival.

3:00pm, Sunday November 7th.

Plaza Cinema Cafe

Orlando Florida.

Austin Film Festival 2010

2010-10-27T17:51:00.004-06:00

My short film Eulogy Maker, had it's premier at Austin Film Festival this past weekend and what a great screening! At times I thought I was going to fall over dead from nerves, but it was overall thrilling and wonderful. Most of the time I was just thinking "Wow, that's my beautiful little film up there."

Thanks to everyone for who came out to see it. I'm so happy it did well and was so well received.

THANKS!

Next up Orlando Film Festival!!

Eulogy Maker World Premier!!

2010-10-20T20:24:00.003-06:00

Eulogy Maker is having its World Premier at Austin Film Festival, Saturday, 3pm at the Arbor Theater and on Sunday at 5:30 at the Hideout!! It's in the Family Series Showcase, so all of the short films are family friendly. Bring the kids, but get their at least 30 minutes before the screening to make sure everyone gets a seat. These thing can sell out!!

See you soon!!! (I'm so excited!!)

CANCERPANTS

2010-10-05T19:41:00.001-06:00

CANCERPANTS: At the crossroads of life & breast cancer, a woman becomes a warrior.

Recently, I got my results from my scans/blood work, and thankfully(!), I continue to be in remission from cancer (7 months)!!! With this in mind, I ask my friends to consider lending financial support to help offset post-production expenses for CANCERPANTS, a doc that my friend Nevie is making. It is real and brave and expresses many things I felt in my own journey with cancer.

Thanks everyone for being so awesome !

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1559662955/cancerpants-at-the-crossroads-of-life-and-breast-c

AUSTIN FILM FESTIVAL

2010-10-04T20:53:00.005-06:00

I am very happy to announce that Eulogy Maker has been accepted into Austin Film Festival!! How wonderful that my little film will be having it’s world premier, at such a prestigious film festival and in my home town too!

You can catch it at the Arbor 3pm on Saturday October 23rd and at the Hideout 5:30pm on Sunday October 24th.

2010-09-23T18:33:00.000-06:00

These days I’ve been focused on writing and submitting my short film Eulogy Maker to film festivals, but I am also an actress and a few weeks ago, I was cast as Mrs. Schnabel the Home Ec teacher in ABC’s, My Generation. If you’re unfamiliar with the premise of the show, it’s “an hour long comedy-drama and mockumentary that follows the lives of members of a Texas high school 10-years after they graduated. The fresh new series catches up with a group of young adults whose lives were being filmed for a documentary just before their high school graduation from Greenbelt High School in Austin, Texas in 2000. They realize their dreams didn’t turn out as planned. Takes place in present day with flashbacks from their high school days and years leading up to the present.”
Tonight is the premier of the show and even though I’m not in the pilot, I’m trying hard not to be nervous. I mean, it’s out of my hands, but still, I’m hoping it rocks!
Anyway, I just wanted to post that this shoot was great. I’ve been lucky that almost every job I’ve been on, the cast, crew and director have been pretty nice, but this set was beyond nice. Everyone was super friendly, supportive and really fun. The whole atmosphere was positive and enthusiastic. I loved that Jamie King who plays Jackie Vachs, was fun, easy and gracious to work with in our scene. Then while in hair and make up we talked about her work on these incredible PSA on cancer awareness and my own struggles with cancer. I loved that Sebastian Sozzi, who plays The Falcon, was super fun in our scene with changing things up (and I really appreciated that he invited me to sit at his table for lunch, so I didn’t have to stand there and feel like a dork). And I have to say that I completely loved the director Stephen Fay. He is the nicest, coolest, actor’s director and I would be thrilled to work for him again, anytime and anywhere!
Keeping my fingers crossed that this show will be around for a long time and that my Texas actors and crew friends will get to work on this series!

Busy with FIlm, TV and Kids

2010-09-12T18:26:00.000-06:00

It’s been kinda busy. Actually, very busy and I haven’t had much time to blog about what’s going on with acting, film making, parenting and life in general. What gives? Well, I spent too much time playing and procrastinating this summer, and fell behind in getting the kids ready for school. Then I had to hurry and get my short film Eulogy Maker submitted to several more film festivals before their deadlines shot up in price (do not miss the early bird entry date!), then I dropped everything to audition for the new ABC show My Generation. Then I got a call back for the show, but I didn’t hear anything more about it and got back to the kids and their school needs. Then I got the call that I had been cast! Which made me very super fantastically happy.
So it’s been kinda busy. And soon, I’ll post something about how it all went on the My Generation set and what’s going on with my new film Eulogy Maker!!

Nerves

2010-09-09T19:04:00.000-06:00

There is a moment before I get on set, where I really wrestle with my nerves. My heart pounds and I think things like, “What are you doing? You don’t want to be here! You hate pressure. You're going to forget all your lines! You're going to screw up and embarrass you acting coach and fellow actors and yourself and your friends and family and… “
Then I think very loudly in my head. “SHUT UP!!” I want to be here more than just about anything in the world, I deserve to be here. And I love this! This is what I do.” And I have this calming feeling and I know it will be alright.
I know I am ready.

Every Night

2010-08-13T22:03:00.000-06:00

Every night, once I’ve closed my eyes to sleep, I start telling myself a story. It’s usually one or two that I’ve been sorting out during the day or from previous weeks. For the most part, I just let it bubble up from my subconscious. I try not to analyze things like shot angles, color palettes, costumes, lighting, etc., because it’s already there in the story and if I work too hard thinking about it, I’m taken out of it. So I drift into a different world, where the characters from my imagination, seem to desperately want to tell me something important. Something that is pivotal in their lives. They lead me into dreams, they have adventures, and they become real. As real as you and me.
One day I will bring them and their story to life for everyone to see, and I hope I will tell it truthfully, and beautifully, and I will not disappoint them.

Summer Time

2010-08-08T09:31:00.002-06:00

Summer Time

Two weeks left of summer. Two little, they-will-fly-by-in-a-heartbeat, weeks. As usual, there wasn’t enough time from the end of one school year, to the beginning of the next school year, to hurry up and relax. (But “not enough time” is a daily problem, so I shouldn’t be surprised that it’s a seasonal problem.)
I did get a few things done this summer though, which I’m very happy about – I finished the application for the Texas Film Makers Fund and hopefully I’ll get some grant money. I wrapped up my short film Eulogy Maker and it’s now been submitted to 14 film festivals and counting (hence the need for some grant money!), I took the kids to Europe and showed them some sights and visited with special friends whom I love dearly. I worked on the house and we finally replaced our truck that had been totaled.

Which leaves me now with only two weeks left of summer, a craving for Nutella crapes, missing my German friends, need to hurry for back-to-school supplies/clothes/etc., for the kids, and the realization that I didn’t finish any of my scripts.

So I didn’t get to relax, but let’s face it - for me, relaxing is stressful. Which means it’s been a great summer!!

kinda getting a little tired

2010-07-09T22:13:00.001-06:00

I don’t mean to sound like I’m complaining, but I’m getting tired of not quite being done with the film. It’s getting so that I cringe when someone asks me how it’s going and I reply that it’s almost done, and then I realize I told them the same thing a 3 months ago. This film making stuff is so complicated and it takes so loooong. Don’t get me wrong - I love writing, the excitement of getting ready for the shoot , the thrill of being on set, seeing it put together in editing and then finally having it come together in post with music, sound mixing and color correction. But I’m really getting tired of it taking week after week, month after month, to get done. Of course this is what happens when you don’t have studio money, and your thankful for any and everything that people will do. (I am so very thankful!!!)
Please, oh please little film, please be done soon. Please be done in time for me to submit it to the Austin Film Festival. Please be done, so that I can finally stop worrying about it and thinking about it and hoping it will turn out as beautiful as I know it can be. And most importantly, please be done so I can start this crazy, exciting process all over again!!

Picture Lock for Eulogy Maker

2010-06-07T21:03:00.002-06:00

Every Sunday for the past two months, my producer Nancy Gresham, and I have sat down in my office for eight to ten hours to edit my short film Eulogy Maker. Since the film is only about five minutes, that means we’ve spent between 10 and 15 hours on editing for each minute. O.K. so there were a few hours in there were we grabbed dinner downstairs, or chatted about wonderful silly girl stuff, but even if it’s on the low side, say 10 hours a minute, that’s still a huge amount of time. But it’s all good! We went through each shot and every bit of footage with a fine tooth comb. We moved scenes around, shaved frames here and there, looked for just the right expression or turn of the head, or which foot is taking a step and then looked through it again. We scrutinized and even agonized over every little thing. Was a cut away necessary or just in because it was a beautiful shot? Should the walking scene go here or there. What about the house shot, what about the pacing? When we had something to show, we would send it to our friends for comments and start all over again the next Sunday.

To put it mildly, editing Eulogy Maker has been an eye opener in efficiency. A shot can be unbelievably beautiful, but if it doesn’t move the story forward, it shouldn’t be in there. Everything must support the story and everything is story. Editing has also been a lesson in tough love. Nothing quite like cutting a cherished shot. (Who knew editing could be so heart breaking! )

So I am happy to announce that I’ve finally reached picture lock. It looks great and I’m thrilled and proud of it. I really love this little film and it’s starting to show through.

NINJA JAMES AND THE BEAST BOY

2010-05-28T21:29:00.004-06:00

If you happen to be in Harrisburg, PA, check out the screening of Ninja James and the Beast Boy at the Artsfest Film Festival, Saturday May 29th at 1pm.

Patience

2010-05-22T11:38:00.002-06:00

I wish my film was done and ready to be sent out, but it’s not. I’m still editing and even after that, it needs to go back to different folks for titles and credits, color correction, original music and sound editing. I realize now, that I was terribly naive to think that I understood film making enough to complete this one in a few months. I knew I would need a good story(check), talented crew and actors (check, check), beautiful location (check), and commitment to the project (check!), but I didn’t realize it would take so much time and I’d need so much patience! (nada, zip, zilch).

Fortunately though, when I’ve committed to a project, I’m stubborn enough to see it through to the end no matter what. But I’m also really lucky, in that there are folks in my life, that are pulling for me. They are there with words of encouragement to finish this film, to keep on acting and writing, to make more films … They pull me out of the details and show me the big picture.

Thanks!!

Good, Bad and Bitchy

2010-04-25T23:41:00.000-06:00

Just can’t seem to get going on my blog these days (or I should say these weeks).

I’m getting a website, biz cards etc with links to this blog and I’m supposed to report happy, cheerful news and blog about how my filmmaking and actress career are going great. But that’s not what I do - I blog about what’s going on in my life, the funny and sad and I throw in some complaining every now and then. It’s who I am and this blog is a very simple extension of … well, me. The good, the bad and the bitchy.

So here is some of all of that:

Bitchy Part : Everything is going in super slow motion. For a person who would rather be traveling at 90 miles an hour, 6 days a week (7^th day is rest ya know), this lack of momentum feels more like suffocation.

Bad Part: I have decided to be selfish and put my needs as a film maker ahead of other family members. Hence the pile of dishes, laundry, still unrepaired crack in the ceiling, unpaid bills and no food in the fridge.

Good Part: Little by little, I am learning and making films. By not allowing frustration to deter my ambitions, I am currently working on three short screenplays, and my last short film is nearing it’s completion date. I’m working with creative, giving, positive people and ultimately I’m grateful to not be dealing with cancer, so that I can hold and play and laugh with my children, and focus on living a creative life.

grrr.

2010-03-29T21:02:00.000-06:00

I had planned to shoot my next film in May, but I’m not ready and May is just around the corner. Once again time snuck up on me. I know I’ve been really busy - Making Spring Break plans and submitting Ninja James and the Beast Boy to film festivals, and working with my kids on their projects and driving them places, and working on Eulogy Maker in post and researching cars to replace our old decrepit wheezing ford explorer (plus doing a hell of a lot of daydreaming about making films and acting and working on a set!). But I wasn’t working on my screenplay. Grrr. enough whining, I need to get writing!!!

EULOGY MAKER

2010-03-05T18:20:00.002-07:00

Here's the opening shot from my short film Eulogy Maker. The photo is a little stretched, but you get an idea of the look and feel of the film.
I'm really proud of the way it's coming together and I can't wait until it's finished and sent out into the world.
Just a few more weeks of editing...

Copies ready for you!!

2010-02-17T21:41:00.003-07:00

Cast and Crew and Everyone who helped in the making of Ninja James and the Beast Boy,

Thank you so much for all of your hard work, effort and patience. We greatly appreciate everything you did to help put this film together!!

We now have copies available for everyone(!!), and they are ready to be picked up or if you're out of town, I can get it to you snail mail.

Let me know (email me or leave a reply here) and I’ll get back with you. J

THANKS!!!!

!!!YEAH!!!

Leslie

NINJA JAMES AND THE BEAST BOY

2010-01-31T20:44:00.000-07:00

I’m very super incredibly happy to report that Ninja James and the Best Boy is back on track!! The DVD’s should be available to cast and crew in the next few weeks and I am in the process of submitting it to the film festivals.

Congrats to everyone who contributed to the making of this little film and thank you for your time and patience.

Learning Then and Now

2010-01-25T20:28:00.002-07:00

When I was little, learning was often a process of overcoming the difficulty of sitting still long enough, to focus on rather boring material. I enjoyed writing or performing, because those were imaginary wonderful worlds, but facts and figures never stayed concrete for long. Soon equations would start making up their own stories and by the end of the assignment, the numerators were the pompous elitists and didn’t realize that the denominators were plotting to overthrow them. Seven times six equaled 42, which sat under the eves in a rain storm, while Eight was a large medieval ogre that bullied and intimidated the lower numbers. Fortunately the Nines were angels that curved protectively around the others and helped deliver them to the land of Tens. Wonderful strong Tens. The first little numbers that used the buddy system.

Needless to say - I didn’t go far in math and sciences.

Jump ahead by a whole bunch of years, and while I have conquered basic math and can even balance a spreadsheet, I’m learning about a whole new world that is taking my love of make-believe and stories and turning them into images for other. I’m learning how to write and make movies. Not in a formal setting, but in every film I work on, with each screenplay I write, and on each set I’m lucking enough to be on. My material is my life, my teachers are my friends and it’s a school I’ll be enrolled in for the rest of my life.

Words and Me

2010-01-10T09:20:00.002-07:00

Words to Remember:

When auditioning – The more I want it, the more I’ll screw it up.

When acting – Be in the moment. Nothing else matters.

When parenting – Kids are not little extensions of yourself or anyone else.

When living – Don’t lose sight of the big picture.

More Words to Remember:

Where you are today was through your own choices.

Being vulnerable allows life to happen through you.

Already, you are what you want to be. Your actions allow everyone else to see it.

Thinking too much replaces living.

FEARLESS

2010-01-01T22:03:00.000-07:00

My New Year’s Resolution word for 2010 is FEARLESS. It is a word that will be with me all year and if I’m lucky, it will stick with me for the rest of my life.

The really neat thing about this word, is that it gets stronger the more you share it. So I’m giving this word to you. Yes, you! Completely and unconditionally.

Now you are fearless too.

Fearless feels great.

Stays and Goes

2009-12-31T13:50:00.002-07:00

A new year is upon us. The big reminder that time is moving forward and there’s nothing we can do about it. The global “Ahh shit, I’m older.”

Which is a drastically different mentality from what I grew up with. As a kid, and through college, I always felt young and I could do anything.

At some point though, it changed and I grew up. It wasn’t one thing, but many realizations that built upon themselves. Moments that culminated and have resulted in me sitting here now, writing bits and pieces of thoughts.

So, with the New Year coming up and reflecting on the past, I’ve been been revisiting the old me - wondering, what is gone and what remains.

Well, I’m not selfish anymore, and I’m certainly not naïve. I’ve got a good grasp that life is not fair or easy, and fun and exciting is something you grab -not wait to happen. Which leaves me with hope. Simple and strong. It’s what has quietly been with me all along and continues to move me forward - eager for the next day.

I may be tapping away at the keyboard, thinking “crap, we’re getting old!,” but I’m excited about what the new year is going to bring. It’s taken awhile to understand it, but the key ingredient in my life is Hope and that’s pretty wonderful.

Happy New Year Everyone and here’s to an abundance of happiness, health and hope in the coming year.

stress vs. de-stress

2009-12-19T11:24:00.002-07:00

It's so hard to cool one's jets when they're on a roll. O.K. let's switch to first person and call it like it is - I hate stopping anything when I get something in my sights. I think that's why I'm not that keen on holidays. Everyone goes on these dang holidays and nothing gets done. Everything comes to a stop and focus is shifted to relaxing - no more emails, no more meetings, no more "Let's Go!" going on.
Sure I'm all for holiday cheer, peace and good will to all, and hanging out, but this de-stressing, just stresses me out.
Go figure.

Is Good.

2009-12-16T22:01:00.000-07:00

Feeling very hopeful. Got that if you believe, it will happen kind of thing going on. A nice change from the NFV (negative f***ing voice) that's usually harping on me. The film is progressing and I'm cooking up ideas for the next film.
Hopeful is good. Really good.

MilkDrive

2009-12-15T22:05:00.000-07:00

Got a chance to catch MilkDrive last night at Botticelli's - excellent musicians and really good songs. They played a lot of tunes from their album, which I already have, but I was hoping to hear something that would work for my film. During a break, I introduced myself and was relieved that they knew who I was and that they were planning to send me some music.
So I'm believing and things are moving forward. I can't wait to hear what they send me. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Parlez-vous francais?

2009-12-13T22:51:00.000-07:00

So why exactly am I getting Cialis wiener drug advertisements, in french no less, in the comments section on my blog? Just asking.

be done soon!!

2009-12-11T17:56:00.003-07:00

Ninja James and the Beast boy - so close to being done! Just a little sound work, replace the music, get some posters, PR stuff and voila, off to the festivals. So close. It's killing me. I'm thinking this will take about a month and then, off to the film festivals and dvd for cast and crew. Please - oh - please be done soon.

MilkDrive

2009-12-08T06:07:00.002-07:00

I never thought getting music would be so anxiety provoking. Perhaps I'm not going about it the right way.

First - I assumed that I'd find just the right song. I didn't.

Second - I assumed I'd find just the right band. And I did! I found a local unsigned band called MilkDrive. They are awesomely talented and have a fantastic style and sound. But after combing through their only CD/Myspace, etc., they don't have any recorded slow songs.

Third - Maybe, just maybe, MilkDrive already has a beautiful, pulls at your heart kind of song, but it's still unrecorded.

Fourth - Here's the tricky part - IF the band has a song that fits the film, in lieu of a payment for the use of their song, I offer to record their song (and video tape them recording it), cut in scenes from my film with their recording footage and turn it all into a music video for them (which would usually cost them $$$$).

Fifth - If this all worked out then, the band would have an awesome music video to put in rotation at any music video television station in the world, a new recording of their song, and because it is attached to my film, hundreds (and more) of people are introduced to their song and the band that made it (Free PR!!).

Yes, there are a lot of "ifs," But I believe in my film, I believe in this band and I believe that this is going to come together.

Wish me luck, I'm going to talk to them soon.

derailment

2009-12-07T10:07:00.000-07:00

I have listened to more country, bluegrass, alt bluegrass, swing, mandolin, guitar, fiddle, bass combinations in the last few weeks, than I have in my entire life. Which is kinda sad really because I've found that I love alt/indie bluegrass and I absolutely love mandolin.
I'm listening, because I'm looking for music for my film Eulogy Maker. Looking for one golden beautiful, heartfelt song to make my sweet film complete. And this is a major problem, because getting music is a time consuming endeavor, that can derail the post production train.

LOVE BUG AUDIENCE AWARD

2009-12-07T09:34:00.004-07:00

Congratulations to Kat Candler and her short film LOVE BUG for winning the Audience Choice Award at the Little Ripper Film Festival in Melbourne, Australia. Way to go Kat!

State of Mind!

2009-12-05T21:23:00.000-07:00

Ugh, got the blahs, got the blues, got the arghs! Maybe it's this cold that won't quite go away. Maybe because I haven't heard from MilkDrive about using their music. Maybe I'm just a whiny, complainy, ungrateful, can't see past my nose, forest for the trees, let's get moving, can't stand waiting, silly self absorbed, self obsessed, needy, I'm in remission from cancer and can't believe I haven't reached some awesome zen place, it's time to kick my butt and stop complaining state of mind!
aaaah, thanks, I feel better already :)

Happy Birthday Dad.

2009-12-03T21:14:00.002-07:00

I love you Dad, I miss you. I recognize that today is your birthday. I'm thinking of you and see your sweet smile and I kiss your soft cheeks.

good news

2009-12-02T18:55:00.004-07:00

I had my scans last week and talked to the doc today.
It's official - My scans are clear - no cancer.
I'm in remission.
Fuckin' A!

musicians rock!

2009-12-01T22:39:00.000-07:00

I posted on Craig's list for original bluegrass music, with lead on Mandolin, for my short film. And whoa, what a response. So many talented musicians!
Now I'm a regular on Myspace and have heard about 25 bands and musicians. There is a whole lot of amazing talent out there! It's fantastic knowing they are willing to share their music to be a part of my film.
Thanks musicians!!

No Waiting!

2009-11-28T23:38:00.000-07:00

Wait. Wait. Wait. Ugh. Wait. Wait. One of the hardest things for me to do. Wait. Wait. Wait. I don’t know if it’s that I’m impatient or that I realize, all too clearly, that time is finite.

Wait wait wait...

Acting = Pressure

2009-11-23T23:24:00.000-07:00

Acting class. What a pressure cooker. This evening I did my presentation and it actually turned out well - even doing it with a new jersey accent. (What with New Jersey’s not my native language, I think I spoke it pretty fluently J)

And then I did my other scene and it sucked. Crap, crap, crap! Oh well. What did I expect. I can’t do a scene if I don’t get with my scene partner at least once before the actual day of the class. Plus it wouldn’t hurt, if I wasn’t so nervous that my heart wasn’t racing to escape out of my chest. Now wouldn’t that be a sight! Would totally change the scene from absurdist to gore!

Not a bad idea. I’ll think on it.

Free at last!

2009-11-21T22:26:00.000-07:00

Saw New Moon today - cured of my Twilight obsession. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

East Austin Studio Tour

2009-11-21T09:21:00.000-07:00

Congrats to my friend Lauri for putting her sculptures out into the world for everyone to see, in the East Austin Studio Tour!!
Your art is beautiful and speaks to the heart!

covered

2009-11-19T21:18:00.000-07:00

The footage is with the editor now. Everything seems to be in order. Everything looks beautiful. The dp has his footage, the editor has his copy and I have a copy too. Seems like we're covered if disaster strikes again. Nothing like someone getting ripped off to make you feel vulnerable.

Cancer checks

2009-11-18T08:44:00.000-07:00

Cancer is never far away. Just because I don't get cooked any more, doesn't mean I can ignore it.
Today get blood work done.
Next week Ct and Pet scans. Oh Joy!

Putting the word out

2009-11-17T20:42:00.001-07:00

Calling friends and sending emails to everyone to keep the lookout for a Sony z7 and a Sony 5 at pawn shops, ebay and craigs list.
Pls check for me. Pass it on!
Thanks!

Thieves should rot in Hell!

2009-11-16T20:32:00.001-07:00

Woke up feeling exhausted, like I've been running on fumes for weeks. Guess I had, but I was expecting to be full of kick ass energy, ready to jump to the next stage of getting the film put together, not feeling wiped out.
Then got a terrible email from the DP that all of his filming equipment had been stolen out of his house the evening before. My stomach flipped about 5 times and I wondered if I was going to throw up on my keyboard. How dare anyone rip off such a wonderful, talented, sweet guy. Then I broke out in a sweat realizing that all of my footage may not have been down loaded on to my external hard drive. Feeling really felt sick now.
But after a few emails and phone conversations, I was assured that everything was good. But I feel awful for my dp. You never separate an artist from their tools.
Time to help out a friend!

Filming For Short

2009-11-15T23:49:00.000-07:00

I woke up every hour and finally got up at 4:15am. Which was probably a good thing, since I was afraid that the fog would be heavy again.
And unbelievably, the fog was even thicker than it was yesterday.
Today is different though, in that my two kids are with me as well. I cast them as two out of four brothers. I'm a little nervous about having them on set and me being director to them and not Mom, but we've talked about it and they are totally cool with it. Man, I love those kids. They're telling me I rock and how proud they are of me. What's not to love about that?
We got to the location just fine and because of the fog, we had a lot of time to film more exterior scenes and even throw in a few I wasn't sure we'd be able to get. Like the lead actor walking through a field, up to the house, even walking through some cows. And these shots, with the foggy backdrop look stunning!! My DP should win awards with these shots!
The scene with my kids in it went super too. They and all of the cast looked great. Didn't get the dolly shot I was hoping for, but there are lots of other shots that will work really well instead.
Then after lunch, a few more shots and it was a wrap - and clean up and get out of there.
People ask me if I'm super happy, or relieved, or sad it's done, but I'm really just processing it all. I've been so overwhelmed. And I don't feel like I'm anywhere finished. There is still a mountain of work ahead. Just look at what needs to be done in post - editing, music, titles/credits, color correction, sound. Then to get it out the door - put together the pr, submit to film festivals, make copies, get the website up, etc.
So I'm glad the filming is done, but I'm really only half way there.

First day of the Shoot

2009-11-14T23:58:00.003-07:00

Up at 4:30am. Out of the door at 4:50am. Super heavy fog on the way to the location. Kind of fog that you search for the yellow line on the edge of the road. But some of the rural roads don't have lines, so almost everyone was a little late this morning. But the fog turned out to be one of the best thing that could have happened. The misty wooded scene look breathtakingly beautiful. I can't believe how stunning it looks! Plus the interior shots were equally beautiful.
The actors also kicked major acting butt. I can't get over how well an 11 year old can take direction. And our Grandpa was so perfect, he brought tears to my eyes. Fantastic layers in his performance.
The day was perfect. Really excellent. I can't believe it's all real.
Tomorrow up again at 4:30am. Time to try to sleep (try, try, try)!

Prepping location

2009-11-13T23:47:00.000-07:00

Today was the quiet before the storm kinda feeling. Several of us went out to the location to set up, get it ready for filming tomorrow, hammer out a few more details about the sequencing of filming, what to do when and how. Go over (again) shots, imagining how certain actions are going to look, and me walking around like a dork, putting my hands in front of my face, visualizing what the camera is going to see, as if my fingers are the view finder.

Then tomorrow I actually direct my short film. Me - writer and director.
Good grief. Serious insecurities are bombarding me. What am I doing. Aagh!!!
O.K breathe, know that I can do this, I can do this.
Damn straight, I can do this.

Birthday dinner fun

2009-11-12T23:44:00.000-07:00

I've been frantically running around getting ready for the shoot, and now it's time to stop and just be silly. Happy Birthday to Kat and thanks to you and all the girls for the super silly girly dinner talk. So much fun! I needed the break!
Only two more days!

Crew Meeting

2009-11-11T23:35:00.000-07:00

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 11th 2009

Had a crew meeting tonight and we all get a long so well! The Producer, DP (Direcotr of Photography), AD (assistant director), Costumer, Set Designer, and one of the PA's (production assistant). We were still missing a few, but it was o.i. with me that we got to talk and plan out a few things (plus fill out a lot of paperwork!).
I can't believe this is actually coming together. I'm so nervous. I eat, breathe, dream and live this film in my head - all the time. Only a few more days!!

Giving people rock!

2009-11-10T21:50:00.000-07:00

TUESDAY NOVEMBER 10th 2009

Still working on shot list. This stuff is driving me crazy. I'm seeing the holes in my education! yikes. Thankfully Greg is willing to meet with me to go over what I've got and give me a better idea of what I should be doing.
How I appreciate working with wonderful, sweet, super talented and giving people!

Mac for moi

2009-11-10T19:30:00.000-07:00

I am now the proud owner of a Mac. Now how do I turn the damn thing on??

Rehearsals!

2009-11-09T22:50:00.000-07:00

MONDAY NOVEMBER 9th, 2009

My local school district has today off in honor of Memorial Day. Silly me to assume that the rest of the school districts would have today off as well. That's what I get for assuming anything.

Scheduling rehearsals is a tricky business when dealing with kid actors. Their schedules are super crowded on the weekends and their parents are often driving them and their siblings all over Hell's half acre with sports, auditions, family obligations and such. So Monday (holiday) seemed like the best option (again stupid assumptions!). How interesting it was to find out that all of the out of town kids in the film, had school on Monday and couldn't meet at 3pm. After a silent "aarrrgghhh," I pushed out the times and all but one couldn't make it. Then another had to cancel because her sister came down with Swine Flu. So only two out. Not too bad at all. But it gave me heart palpitations to think that something as easy as the flu could stop the production. Had to breathe and then back on track.

The rehearsals went wonderfully. We walked through the blocking and worked on intent, character analysis, etc. Then we played games and had a pizza party. Have to admit, working with kids is really fun. Making films with kids is going to be fantastic!!

Quick - Do nothing!

2009-11-07T12:14:00.002-07:00

It’s one of those days of “oh there’s so much to do- quick run around in circles!” and “Oh man, there’s so much to do – quick start reading a book!” Nothing quite like feeling overwhelmed, to get me totally focused on nothing in particular. So let me get it clear what I have to do, just so that it’s staring me in the face (as I distract myself by writing this blog).

To Do:

Need to memorize lines for acting class.

Gotta get interpretive character set in my head before presentation in meisner acting class.

Need to finalize the shot list for the short I’m filming next weekend.

Actors are coming to the house on Monday for rehearsal – ack, need to clean house.

Yikes! Filming next weekend!!

Need to finalize any holiday plans (ugh).

Need to schedule PET and CT Scans. (Hate Needles!!!)

Try not to freak out that I have to have scans in the first place (Hate Cancer!!!)

Stop daydreaming about running off to London or Italy (This unfortunately, has become my default button for procrastination and it has gone way over the limit of my fantasy/day dreaming quota.)

Stop procrastinating, by blogging!

o.k, o.k., I’m going….

Photo Shoot

2009-11-06T19:32:00.000-07:00

FRIDAY NOVEMBER 6th 2009

Today was incredibly wonderful!! It was a clear beautiful day for our photo shoot. The lead characters looked great and Roger shot fantastic photos. They turned out beautiful!!

These we're needed as part of the story, where the lead boy refers to the photo of him and his grandpa.

I'm so excited, nervous and anxious that we are going to start filming in a week!

(I'll post some of the pictures soon!)

Congrats to LOVE BUG and Kat Candler

2009-11-05T21:18:00.001-07:00

Congratulations to Kat Candler and her film "Love Bug" for winning the Audience Award at Austin Film Fest. I have probably seen this film 10 times and i loved it each time! And everyone that I know that's seen it has also loved it! Lot's of wonderful laughter goes along with this film.
I'm sure it's going to get to more festivals, but if it's in your area, please check it out.
p.s. No that's not me in the picture. That would be the talented Anne Nebors. I play the mom of the Maddy.

Upcoming Screenings - Rockport, Houston, Dallas, Fort Worth

Love Bug

Sunday, November 8th, 8pm, Dallas Video Festival, Dallas, TX
Thursday, November 12th, 10pm, Lone Star Film Festival, Fort Worth, TX

Worry Worry worry

2009-10-31T23:45:00.001-06:00

Tomorrow’s the first cast/crew meeting. I’m so excited! We’ll have our read through, talk about the film, sign papers, work on costuming, answer questions, set up more meetings, etc., you get the idea. I think I’ve got everything I can possibly do, done before tomorrow, but… I’m still so nervous. What am I forgetting? Do I have the keys to get in? The scripts? The calendar? Enough chairs? What about the crew papers? What about the costuming, what about blah, blah, blah.

I wish I could go through this film making process totally cool and easy going. Like I didn’t have a care in the world. Like this was easy as pie. Maybe it is easy as pie and I’m just torturing myself by thinking it’s harder than it really is. Maybe I’m a masochist.

If I could just figure out how to enjoy this really neat ride, instead of worrying so much.

Maybe I worry too much!!

Catching up with You

2009-10-29T20:35:00.001-06:00

Hey You!

Been a while! How are you?!

Well, I’ve been kinda busy. Let’ see…

Had wonderful actors auditioning for the film and now the cast is set. I can’t wait to work with them.

This weekend we have our read through and costume fitting. Next week we’ll do our test shoots and start prepping the interior locations. Can’t believe it’s only two weeks until filming. (yikes!). Then it will go on to editing, sound, music, color correction, maybe subtitles, then on to festival submissions.

Went to Austin Film Fest last week. Met wonderful talented filmmakers and then some. Saw some celebs and got to hang out with really awesome friends. Got to see some films, some great shorts and I went to several panels that got me thinking.

I’m still taking the ass-kicking acting class. Unfortunately it’s only getting harder. What’s up with that? It’s so hard, that I’m thinking of taking it twice a week after the holidays. Again, what’s up with that?

Saturday marked the third year anniversary of my dad’s death. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so busy - trying to keep myself preoccupied, because I’m missing him so much.

Lastly, I’m working on my next short to hopefully be shot in the Spring, excited to get to spend some time over the thanksgiving holiday on a screenplay I’ve been ignoring, but really wanting to get back to and I’m going to have my own production company.

Other than that, not much else is going on.

Take Care and let me know what’s going on with you.

Lot’s of love,

Leslie

2009-10-10T18:54:00.000-06:00

For three days now, I have been so restless, I’m about to take up exercise.

Really - It’s that bad.

I don’t get it.

2009-10-08T21:18:00.001-06:00

...Or maybe I just don’t get me.

Locked script – Check

Secured Producer, DP, Editor, etc. – Check

Taking ass kicking acting class – Check

Working on feature – Check

Didn’t book a stupid commercial - Check

Got snuggle time in with Little Kiddo – Check

Yelled at Big Kiddo about homework, but still got in some hugs – Check

Looking everywhere for locations – Check

Doesn’t feel like I’m getting anything done – Check, Check Check

What is up with this?!!

20 Pages!

2009-09-25T20:25:00.008-06:00

So I was thinking, oh man, oh man, I have really messed up! I’ve lost 20 pages of my feature screenplay. Twenty pages!! PANIC!!! I searched and searched, and pleaded with my computer to show me my pages. Please computer don’t take my 20 pages.

Maybe I deleted them (wouldn’t be the first time). So I clicked on the bright red “Recover My Files” panic button icon, and crossed my fingers. Please special red icon button, please find my pages. I waited for it to miraculously save my 20 pages. I waited for hours. Finally…

No pages!! PANIC!!! Tears, Sailor Cursing, Gnashing of Teeth, Fists of Fury!!

Disgusted with myself and hearing that damn negative voice yelling in my head “LOSER,” I opened up a folder to work on another screenplay and … voila, there they were - my sweet, wonderful, greatly missed 20 pages. ~sigh~

I know 20 pages isn’t such a big deal to a lot of folks, especially those who write for a living or can produce 20 pages in a mere hour or less, but these pages were not just words grouped together to make sentences. These were pages, that I ignored my children so I could write them. Pages, that kept me up late and got me up early.

Pages that are proof that I'm participating in a creative process that is an integral part of who I am. Creativeness formulated into words. My written words. My 20 pages.

I am not Manic

2009-09-24T20:02:00.003-06:00

There are folks who are manic and get lots of things done. Their houses are tidy, they exercise regularly, their bills are paid and they do crossword puzzles. Let me rephrase that, they FINISH crossword puzzles. They prepare meals in advance - days in advance and they desks are never out of order.

I envy manic people - I am not a manic person. Sometimes I have episodes of mania, but I usually end up with lots of unfinished projects. Like when I got all manic-y and wanted to turn the back yard into an oasis of solitude and calm, but ended up with a garage full of potting soil, yard lighting fixtures, and dead plants.

Lesson I have learned - Episodes of mania is not the same as being manic.
If I was full on manic, the bills would be paid, a crossword would be finished and I would have a beautiful back yard to sit in and enjoy right now because the weather has just turned cooler and I want to sit outside now!

Radiation Certificate

2009-09-22T23:52:00.002-06:00

Done and Done! Such a sense of relief. Sure, the cancer word will always hang over my head, and anytime I feel a lump anywhere, I know the first thought I’ll have is omg has it come back? But my prognosis is solid gold, and with the radiation treatments finished, I won’t have the thought of it in my face everyday. And like all life altering emotions, it will ebb and fade or become something else entirely. So this chapter is behind me and I am the wiser for it. Which is great. I could use all the wisdom I can scrounge up. But surprisingly, I am also less patient for it. I want to be “there” now. There, being everywhere and everything. Out of the past, into the future, and enjoying the heck out of the NOW. This is such an exciting time.

Reminders

2009-09-17T21:56:00.004-06:00

The reminder on my phone chimed - “Screenplay - 20 more pages?” What? Already? But I only wrote 6 pages... I got side tracked and wrote a cute little short... I had about five pages of a script to memorize for my acting class (and o.k., I have been really tired from this radiation stuff, but I promised myself I wouldn’t use that as an excuse, so it doesn’t count!). So I did not write 20 pages, but I did do a lot of writing, and actor-y stuff. That should count right? For once, yes it does. It counts for a lot. No more blame or feeling guilty. It isn’t worth it anymore and truthfully it never has been. Blame and guilt are persistent negative voices that just get in the way. I’ll get it written, I’ll direct the short, I’ll get those lines memorized and do my best in class and I’ll kick this cancer’s ass. And all in good time.

Baby Blocks to Acting

2009-09-16T13:00:00.002-06:00

After all these years, I’m back to the basics. The basic building blocks of acting - back to Meisner. I don’t remember if my very first college acting class was a meisner class, or my professor just never called it that, but they are the same. And now my current Meisner class, is stripping away all those years of technique. This is a good thing, a very good thing. For too long, I have avoided the places an actor needs to be able to access. Being too much in one’s head, never makes for good acting. Not in the long run.

So yes, it’s all good. But damn, it’s so painful to go back.

pretty good if you ask me

2009-09-13T21:24:00.001-06:00

Moving right a long. Yes indeed.

A weekend full of working on really fun and enjoyable things (no laundry and dishes here!) I worked some more on a feature screenplay I’m thrilled about, cleaned up a short that I may direct in the next few months, found out that there really is footage I was hoping for on the last project (yea!!), have a great kid working on after effects on the last project (thank you kat!!), got to work with my scene partner for this meisner acting class I’m taking and … and… what else… oh ya, grabbed a cup of coffee and got some good chatting time in with previously mentioned friend, and …and well, you get the idea - Pretty darn good weekend if you ask me.

lovely day

2009-09-08T19:35:00.003-06:00

A delightful day. Yes indeed. Coffee this morning with an old friend, got in got out with radiation stuff in a jiffy, walked around a bit with my mom and then had a girls lunch with awesome friends. O.K. maybe the birds that sat in the branches overhead during our lunch gave us a little too much excitement. (For me these days, bird poop splatting down when you least expect it, is mighty big excitement).
I love my friends.
Such a lovely day!!

Julie and Julia *****

2009-09-05T07:29:00.001-06:00

I know this isn’t a film critic blog, I’ll leave that for those of you who have better formed ideas, but I enjoyed Julie and Julia a lot. More specifically, I enjoyed watching the talents of Meryl Streep A LOT. I’m not going to nit pick the film, but I will say that Meryl Streep is once again, fantastic. Perfection! I can only imagine (and that will be the closest I ever get), to what it must be like to be in a scene with her. Could you imagine how awesome it would be as an actor, to be on set and see how she works? I love to watch really good actors work. It’s an enriching experience. It’s learning, learning, learning. Even though, I’m sitting here in my pj’s, drinking my coffee, hoping that in the next 5 years I will be in my own feature film, and thinking of my upcoming acting class, I hope that in some parallel universe, I could meet Ms. Streep and if not be in a itty bitty scene with her, at the least get to sit on set and watch her genius at work.

Julie and Julia

2009-09-02T08:12:00.002-06:00

Yea! I'm going to see the film Julie and Julia on Friday. Stop snickering, I know everyone else has seen it, but I've been a little preoccupied (ah hem!), but at least I'm seeing it at the theater instead of waiting until it comes out on DVD.
So anyway, I was watching the trailer for it and the character Julie is talking to her hubby about starting a blog and she says she's going to do it because "I have thoughts too!"
Damn, talk about spot on!

Writing and Un-Writing

2009-09-01T21:42:00.002-06:00

This is how I can spend a week not moving forward on my screenplay.
Monday - I'm in a flurry of prose and lay down 10 pages of dialogue for a bar scene. I own it Man!
Tuesday - I reread bar scene and GAH! Real people don't sound like that! So time to rework it. It's now only 7 pages, but it's more concise and to the point. Wednesday - Reread scene again, arrgh. It doesn't make any f**king sense at all. Edit edit. Edit. Now only 4 pages.
Thursday - Reread and wonder, what the Hell am I doing? My wonderful dialogue has nothing to do with the story.
Friday - Zero pages, start over.
~sigh~

Carpe Diem - Seize the Day!

2009-08-29T16:07:00.003-06:00

There seems to be, more of a feeling, of desperation these days. Like I don't have enough time to do everything I want to get done. I know, I know, it's obviously related to getting a cancer diagnosis, but truthfully, I've always had it. Now though, it's a hundred times stronger and I'm having a much harder time ignoring it. Very frustrating to be sure. How ironic, I have all this "Carpe Diem" going on, but my energy is going in the opposite direction.
While I always thought of practicing moderation in terms of Mojito consumption, I'm applying it now to keeping rested. Speaking of such, I think I'll go take nap and dream of acting in a major motion picture.

HOPE

2009-08-17T22:22:00.001-06:00

I know it’s early for New Year’s wishes, but how about Beginning of the School Year hopes? Like, I really hope that this is going to be an easy peaceful year. I’m sure this is all because of the uncertainty I feel about life these days, but it’s funny how I find myself hoping for such a wide range of things. For example, I hope the cancer goes away, and that I don’t come across another lump any time soon. That my youngest kid is happy at his school. That I hope we’re making the right choice by moving our older kid to another school that’s closer, less stressful and easier on the family. I really hope we’re doing the right thing. I want to finish this screenplay I’m working on and I hope to finish up a short film in the next month. I hope I don’t get really sick and scare the kids. I hope I get back on my feet super fast and land a lead part in a major motion picture (Hey, If I can hope for anything, I might as well go for it!). And lastly, I hope that everything just works out all right.

Got Inked

2009-08-12T19:05:00.003-06:00

I never thought I would get inked. But today I got three that are small and indiscreet. I know, whoa me! I'm such a rebel! Already I've shown them off proudly to Mr. Spouse and the kids.
As it turns out though, they were not nearly as impressed as I had hoped. Probably because they're not anything cool, like moons or Chinese proverbs or tiger marks. Instead they are just three small dots. I know, kind of a let down.
But I had to get them because today I got mapped by the a CT scan and my tiny tats are marking where the radiation machine is to be positioned to know where to radiate me.
So, if you see me, do me a favor. When I show you my little ink dots, just pretend to be impressed. Those little dots may not be a big scary dragon wrapped around my waist kind of tattoo, but they are a really big deal to me.
Thanks.

Shout it out!

2009-08-08T13:10:00.004-06:00

Cancer is a really scary word. A word that has its own kind of evil power. Just saying it makes me look over my shoulder like I was calling death to sit with me. Not that I'm particularly superstitious, but it's like saying a curse or something. So to banish its power, I found I'm saying it all the time. When the kids are out of the house or I'm driving around town, I shout it loud and clear, CANCER! CANCER! CANCER! My hope is that by saying it enough, getting used to the sound of it, perhaps the fear it instills in me will loosen and fall away. It's the only way I know that makes me feel like I'm the one in charge here. I am the stronger one and I'm the one calling all the shots. It's my way of looking cancer in the eye and saying don't F**k with me!

cancer = rollercoaster

2009-08-05T22:16:00.002-06:00

I admit, there is a lot of ups and downs going on. One minute I'm thankful this cancer isn't worse. Then another minute I'm upset I've got it at all. Then I'm happy, then angry, guilty, thankful, scared... Yeesh, what a roller coaster. I'm not too sure what to make of it. Some folks are saying that once I get my energy back after radiation treatment, I can go back to doing what ever I was doing. But I feel different, changed. I have addressed end of life issues. I was doing that God bargaining thing like "Oh please let me make it until my youngest graduates from high school" and "Just let me live long enough to send him out into the world." Now though, the emergency in gone, but the scared shitless remains. Not entirely of course, but it's there.
Maybe it's one of those things that I just need to get used to . The idea of it. Of cancer. Then again, maybe it just take some time recognizing I have a second chance.

Lucky is my middle name!

2009-08-04T15:34:00.002-06:00

All of my tests came back clear. I don't have cancer anywhere else in my body. I'm a stage 1. A STAGE 1 !!!
This is almost unheard of for my type of cancer. I caught it very early. I only need to go through radiation therapy. I have a type of buzz that's not quite describable. My Oncologist was beaming. Mr. Spouse said I'm so incredible lucky, that I should play the lottery. I told him I already had and won the jackpot. I know it sounded corny has hell, but sometimes you just have to revert to lousy dialogue when you're in shock. A good shock. A "I'm having a hard time believing it's true" kind of shock. A "It's Wonderful Life" kind of shock and I'm George Bailey, but instead of shouting "Merry Christmas" I'm shouting "I love you man!, I love ya!!"
But I also feel very humbled. So right now, I'm going to sit with a hot cup of tea, watch my two beautiful children as they read their books and know I'll be able to watch them for many years to come.

Waiting for tomorrow.

2009-08-03T23:57:00.001-06:00

Wait wait wait, tap tap, wait wait wait, drum drum drum...
Tomorrow I find out the results. Radiation, and/or chemo? Big cancer, little cancer. Whoa, lot's of scary thoughts zipping around.

Thanks to Lauri for making me get out of the house today.
"You need to get out of the house"
"um ya"
"How about getting some lunch?"
"uh, no thanks"
" a movie?"
"um, I'm not sure..."
"Then let's take the kids to a movie and grab some lunch afterwards. O.K. let's see what's playing."
She knew I would go if she included the kids. She's smart like that (and persistent!). So a 3D IMAX movie and lunch. It was great to get out of my head, out of these thoughts. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful friend.
But now I'm back. Wait wait wait, dum, de dum, la de la de dum (yes, I actually hum when I'm nervous)
O.K. time to read another book!

To all of my Friends

2009-08-02T19:40:00.004-06:00

Thank you so much for your encouraging words, support and love.
I truly have the coolest, most awesome, kick ass friends!
You all rock and I love ya.
Thanks!
~L

PET Scan

2009-07-31T22:44:00.000-06:00

Finally, a good IV day.
Someone told me to drink lot's of water if my veins weren't cooperating, so last night, I was attacking the water like a dehydrated camel. Then today, more water. By the time I got to the clinic, you could say the tank was full. But when I checked in I was given a large tumbler of some contrast to drink. Ugh, but O.k. got it down. Then they filled it up again. I was beginning to feel like a college freshman going in for the second beer bong. I mean I was tapped off. I was sloshing! Then into the chair for another needle and an injection of something that came from a metal canister. Really - a metal canister, like 1/2 of a red bull. And everywhere signs warning of radioactive dangers. Great. was my tongue glowing yet? Then I had to sit in a chair and "relax" for 20 minute. Did anyone mention that I had just drank a gallon of barium. How does anyone relax when all you can think about is running to the bathroom? Thank you Trish for letting me borrow your Ipod. It really saved me!
So after 20 minutes and a quick trip to the toity, I'm back in getting ready to get in the machine and voila, yet another tumbler of yukky stuff appears.
Next time, I'm going to suggest that we play a drinking game to help it go down faster! Maybe add some rum to it.
Anyway, the Pet scan went well and the folks were really nice. After we got home, my sweet geeky Mr. Spouse, ran into the garage to get the Geiger counter. Fun with science.
~Good news the rest of the CT scan results came in and they were clear (YEA!!). So now we're one out of three test results back. Perhaps we're only looking at radiation treatment!

Bone Marrow Biopsy

2009-07-29T22:21:00.000-06:00

o.k. what's up with the missing the vein for an IV. I mean really! The actual procedure to get the bone marrow was nothing compared to the damn vein spelunking. But you would be proud - not one obscenity flew from my lips. Finally someone came in and got it right, but I'm really getting to dread needles!
But other than that, everything else went well. I think it's funny though that the doc said that because of the pain meds and such, I would probably forget everything about the procedure and even our conversation . Of course, I remember everything. The shots for numbing, the light hammering, our conversation!
So much for forgetting.