Monday, October 31, 2005

Peace be with you

Things are going too fast. It feels like the whole last month has been squeezed into 25 minutes. So much has happened and I've been running the whole time.
This fast pace prevents me from finding a peaceful place in my mind. It traps the nonsense thoughts and fragmented ideas that cram my head. It makes me lose focus of the important things and dwell on the minutia of the moment.
Peace is one of my favorite words.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Sometimes it's best not to go on ad nausea about nothing much at all.

and that's where I'm at.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Today I met a person who supports everything that I am against. Is he the enemy? Is he dangerous? I doubt he would rob me with a gun in a dark alley. Given that he's a writer though, he is undoubtedly much more dangerous.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

today I felt like a stupid cow.
and that's all I'm going to say about it!

Not much longer now...

Fantastic. I'm going to get the shots from the photographer this friday. FINALLY!!!!!

Let's light a candle for the web gods and pray that it will be up this time next week.
Have I mentioned that none of my friends ever look at my blog.

Is that pathetic or good luck?

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Slowly Feeling Strong Again

O.K. enough of the damn whining and complaining. Enough of the feeling bad and not connecting with the rest of the world. I want to dance and sing and goof off and go for a really long hike in the woods!.
I am going to go on a really long hike in the woods!

I am so strong, but I have been feeling so weak and puny. What's up with that?
Where did my strength go? My determination? My force?
Thank God, I don't have to go looking for it. I know it's always within me, it just gets very small sometimes. If I take a moment, breath, center myself, spend time alone and gather the loose ends, I can usually reel it up from inside and let it grow and become strong again.

I forgot how much I love to feel strong!

Monday, October 24, 2005

Sometimes I get the feeling I can’t win for lose.

It seems that on a daily basis, I’m doing the two steps forward, one step back dance. Well, I guess as long as I’m moving forward I can’t really complain.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Life has become an overwhelming whirlwind of movement and it is being contained in a reflecting ball, which is sitting in my garden.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

then again maybe not

I was ready to get all back into acting and everything, but then I totally forgot about an audition today. I was really looking forward to this audition too. It sounded like a neat little film and I had that feeling that it was something I would probably get. I don't know why, but sometimes I get a feeling as to which films I'm going to get and which ones I'm not. I guess you could call it my little premonitions. They are real feelings too. But I have been in a terrible fog since my mother-in-law passed away. It's only been two weeks but on the other hand, it been two weeks!

A friend of mine says I need to be more forgiving of myself and cut myself some slack. But I never miss an audition and it pisses me off. I hate this cloudy thinking type feeling. Like I need more coffee, lot's more!

I'm getting back to the gym and that should help clear the webs.

At least I hope so.

Friday, October 21, 2005

time to move

Time to get back to the gym, get back on the acting ride. start auditioning and get my website finished.
I've been consumed by everyone and everything else.

Consumed as in - eaten up by it all and there's little left of me.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Off kilter

It was two weeks ago yesterday that she died. It seems like it’s been years. Years of sadness in two weeks. I’ve been trying to get back into a routine, but I’ve been very unsettled. I didn’t think I had much of a routine to adhere to before, but what ever it was, I’m trying to get back to it.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

She is Gone

This is the poem I read with eulogy.

She is Gone

You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she's gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

slow going

Still feel like I'm walking through deep mud.

Very absent minded.

I want to keep my kids close.

Their hugs are wonderful medicine.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

the power of family and friends

I hope my husband's cousins and his friend from back home, realize how important their visit was to us. We love them and thank them for their support, kinship and for being here. Your presence was healing.

Thank you to all our friends who sent flowers, helped with childcare, brought over food, helped and listened. You have helped a difficult time, be less of a hardship.

Thank you.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005


The funeral was today.

We had a visitation/viewing.

We underestimate kids.

They understand now that death is a part of life.

The kids picked out special pictures and we placed them in her coffin.

My oldest boy shook with sobs. My youngest kept his arms around him.

The violist played powerful, touching, comforting pieces. Bach, Stravinsky, Debussy.

I wrote the eulogy and said a beautiful poem.

At the internment, the pain from my husband and father-in-law was so great, I switched into movie mode and watched from a distance.

Now I'm at home, it’s late and everybody has left. The house is quiet. So quiet, but I can’t seem to slow down. I’m walking around looking at the flowers, the cards.

Outside, the sky is clear and the air is completely still.

In this quite, I realize I’ve been waiting for the weight on my shoulders to take flight, but it’s still there.

I guess everything that hasn’t been resolved is making itself known and demanding attention.

I have some thinking to do. I have some grieving to do.

Monday, October 10, 2005

not alone

Family is coming. We are not alone.
Looking at her paintings really brought it home to me.

Wrote eulogy and tried out my spouse but couldn't get through the first sentence. I'll get it together by tomorrow.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

The funeral is on Tuesday.
I've stopped thinking, I'm just moving.
Sometimes I don't even know why or where.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

My brain is on fast forward and my feet are moving in slow-mo.

Friday, October 07, 2005

A sad time

My oldest son is heart broken. At the age of 12, he is old enough to understand and feel the intense loss from the death of a beloved grandparent.

Understand the process of life and death is easy.
It's explaining it to a grief stricken boy that is hard.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Passed Away

my husband's loving mother,
my children's magical grandmother
my father in law's dear wife,
and my interesting, intense, crazy, intellegent, sweet and unconventional mother in law,
suddenly passed away.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

where are my photos!

Let’s see, I got my headshot, etc. photos taken many weeks ago. To get these done has taken a lot of planning. Getting the wardrobe together, getting ideas about shots, then when I got the proofs back I worked out which shots to use in my website, designed my website, got someone to put my website together and now I need the high resolution shots from the photographer. These are so I can put them into the website, have my headshot, post cards, biz cards, zed cards made. The problem is that the photographer won't call me back. I have been trying to talk to him and get my photos for weeks!

I hate to sound like I’m whining, but…

He is holding up everything!

Actually, I’m starting to get concerned that something is wrong. I’m getting worried if he’s o.k.

I know, I know, the big scheme of things, it will all work out.

Less Mom?

Just read Kat Candler’s blog. I love her blog. helps me feel connected to the film. She is such a neat person!

But just know I read how she's going to cut out more of the mom scenes. Yikes! I'm a mom! and I'm a mom in the film!


O.K. just kidding. I'm not the only mom in the film. Also, I would rather be in a tighter film with less of me in it, that more of me in a film that, well, could use less of me.

I totally trust Kat and Nevie and know they are working their asses off to make a wonderful film.

I really can't wait to see it.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Still bad buzz

Still going. But definitely more tired. And why?

O.K. if truth be known, I've moved my folks out here and I'm trying to get them settled. Fortunately their furniture arrived, so they can actually sit down on something softer than a fold out chair.

But that’s not all of it. Perhaps it would be easier if that was only it.

There's always more though.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Bad Buzz

Bad Buzz.

Used to mean - partied too hard or had something bad.

Now it means - can't settle the unending noise in my head!

Its been going on for days.

So much crap to do - can't get to that place of peace.

And all of this crap is of my own doing.

It's all in my head.

I created it.

And now it has me hostage.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Texas Freedom Network

I do not equal apathy!

A friend of mine took me to a really interesting conference. The organization is called the Texas Freedom Network. It's main objective is to counter the far right wings conservatives.

It was inspiring to meet these people and hear how much they've done for individuals and groups of people. They are motivated, visionary, positive and hard working for a cause that counters the extremism that's going on today.

It's also interesting to go to these things and realize I don't do a whole hell of a lot for my country. Sure I pay taxes, keep within the law, and am basically a good person, but I don't register voters, stand up for the disenfranchised, protest international policy, or protest the watering down of the EPA guidelines. I don't write to anyone in support of Roe. If I tried any less harder, I would be the poster mom for the Recons. Perhaps that's why this country is in the state it's in.

o.k., so here's the deal - I'm going to get involved. I don't know how yet, and I don't know how much, but I can do something.

I do not equal apathy!