Saturday, December 31, 2005

New Year Resolution!

I don't make new years resolutions because many years ago, my resolution was to not make them any more. What a concept. Make resolutions you can keep!. But I guess I broke it at the same time I made it.

This year, I am more than happy to honor my non-resolution, resolution.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

The Mouse House

Recently, we took the kids to Disney and the place did not disappoint. The kids had a unbelievably great time. I had a pretty good time too. It was great to see the place through my kids eyes, instead of through my regular jaded view of seeing it as a theme park. I would never go there during the summer crowd though. As it was, I could barely handle the weekend crowd of the off season (early to mid December).

Personally, I prefer less artificial.

Friday, December 23, 2005

I have to apologize for not having written in a long time. I really don’t know why I stopped writing. One idea, was because December was really busy. But there have been many times before now, in which I was super busy, but I still managed to jot down a few lines. Perhaps it’s because a few people in the “biz” said they caught my blog. Kinda weird thinking that folks I know are reading my words. But I knew when I went public with this blog, that I was offering my words to anyone out there to read: An invitation of sorts.

Maybe I’m just bored with writing the blog. No that’s not it, because I haven’t been feeling bored with life. The opposite really. I’ve been pretty excited about what’s been going on.

O.K.! Enough of this! When I figure it out, you'll be the first to know.

Saturday, December 03, 2005


Today at the Alamo Draft House, Storie Productions had a fundraiser to help post production costs for Jumping Off Bridges (JOB). They showed Cicadas, Kat's first film, and clips from JOB. I was thrilled to see Cicadas. I had been wanting to see it for so long and it was super. What an accomplishment. I can't believe it was Kat's first film.

JOB also looked great, great, great! I can’t wait until this film comes out.

I also got to reconnect with a lot of my friends from the film. Catch up on the latest buzz and laugh and smile and hug everyone, a lot!

What is it about seeing someone, that makes you realize how much you've missed them. I don't even know if that's possible, but that's what it feels like.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

just a lot to do.

Why is it that stuff, things and minutia get in the way of what a person really wants to do?

Is it because it sneaks up on ya?

Is it because it’s easy to focus on completing one insignificant thing, instead of working on the big picture?

Maybe it’s that while focusing on one thing, the other stuff multiplied and before you knew it, you have a veritable herd of minutia.

Stuff things and minutia: If I could run my car on it, I’d be a zillionare!

Saturday, November 26, 2005


Not all the kids did it, but most of them gave it a try and from where I was standing, it looked pretty easy. They just needed to climb up a ladder, climb up a telephone pole, stand on the top and jump to a trapeze. And the climber was harnessed to a rope so if they fell, they wouldn’t go splat.

I didn’t think it would be so hard. After all, my 12 year old kid tried it.

So let me at it!

But it was hard. With every step up, it felt like gravity was pulling even harder down. Fear was quickly replacing my enthusiasm. I became fearful that I would slip, that my strength would fail, that I would lose my grip and crack my face or ribs on the pole. My legs were shaking. I was so afraid and I hate fear. Suddenly, while in the middle of overcoming this challenge, images of intensely fearful events from my life, popped into my mind. How dare those demons visit me now. It pissed me off. Then the more fear I felt, the angrier I got at it and with every breath, I blew out that fear. Then while in a mix of fear, anger, a few expletives, and intense focus, I climbed that pole and stood at the top. Well, you’d have thought I’d arrived at the pearly gates, because from up there it looked like heaven, and I drank in the moment. The cliffs painted in vivid golds and reds from the late afternoon sun. The crisp cold air as wet as the river below. I wanted to stay but was afraid I wouldn’t have the nerve to jump to the trapeze. So after a few thoughts on speed/velocity and the importance of gripping my toes over the edge of the top of the pole (which incidentally seemed the size of a pie plate!), I gathered myself up and leaped into the air. I would love to say that I had to jump through three flaming hoops and do a double flip before I reached the trapeze, but in reality, it was only about 6 feet from the pole. But to me, it felt 50 feet away and I was catching a thermal lift. In the blink of an eye though, the bar was rushing into my hands, I grabbed it and felt like a kid again. I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want to have to be grounded again. I could have stayed up there a very long time. Who wouldn’t?

Patrick, the voice of reason, encouragement, and who held the seemingly thin rope connected to my harness, and therefore was literally the keeper of my life, gently encouraged me to let go of the bar and he would lower me down. And he did and once again, I was earthbound. Once again, I was the parent, the chaperone, the responsible one. The one who struggles to trust, to commit, to let go. The keeper of demons.

But the demons are smaller and I am stronger.

Thursday, November 24, 2005


I'm thankful for those moments of pure peace. They are rare and usually happen when I'm not trying. I just discover that I'm there.


It is my favorite word.


Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Leaving myself behind

I am so tired of being in myself. I wish I could leave myself behind and look through someone else’s eyes for a change.

Oops., I forgot, that’s called acting….

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Jackson Brown

A friend of mine burned me a CD with all kinds of music. I love it when people do that. It's the best way I know to find out what's out there. Unfortunately, I was never a part of the music scene. So now, I'm just discovering the music that wasn't on the top 10 count down list for the past 30 years.

It's like tasting wonderful new food and it totally fills me up.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Holiday pressures

Forget the holiday blues, I think I have the holiday pressures. It's closer than we think!

Time to get those damn ducks in a row.

My holiday to do list:

1. Make a list of who gets what

2. Online shopping now for gifts

3. Next week a day at the mall

4. . Goal-get all the Xmass shopping done and sent out before December 3rd.

5. Schedule a family photo and have the holiday cards ready to get in the mail on December 1st.

6. Get tree up and decorations up weekend after thanksgiving.

7. bake/make specialty chocolates for neighbors and teachers. Hand out the 10th

8. Make classroom gift to teacher (I’m the homeroom parents)

9. get to printers to make a holiday acting cards.

9. Send out holiday acting cards to casting agents, etc.

10. Drink a fair amount of hot toddies.

11. Look at this list every now and then, to remind myself that I should be doing something.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

kids and struggles

I have to believe that through my guidance and unconditional love, my kids will will turn out to be happy, financially secure adults.

It's hard when you see them struggle. I know that struggle and wished someone was on my side when I a kid. I hope I'm enough to help them through these things, but I know I'm not. They have to figure out it on their own and it's this parent's fear that my kids path will be so much harder than it should be.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Great class!

Class this evening was so great! My scene partner didn’t show up and I was bummed, thinking that I wouldn’t get to work. CK then told me to do it as an audition. It was exactly what I needed. I dislike auditions and I don’t think I’m that good at doing them. For me to do a good audition, I have to do serious relaxation, movement, and a bit of meditation to get in the right frame of mind. Then I can really nail it. Usually though I’m rushing around at the last minute, can’t decide on what to wear, get lost on the way to the audition, etc.

That was what was so great about this evening. I was totally unprepared to do it as an audition. I didn’t get to chill out. I had to put it out there, and it felt completely right!

I am so happy with my work! It is the best feeling in the world to know you can do better and then do it.

Very happy! Very very happy!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

I love to act, I want to always do this. But I also what to tell a few stories. That is; make a few films. I'm thinking about making a short film and seeing where it takes me.
Life is short, very short, and I have this feeling that's been creeping up on me, that I'm not doing enough.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

easy vs. diva

O.K. maybe I was on a little rant about the stupid audition. It's just that you can tell very quickly if a person is going to be easy to work with or a pain in the ass.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Stupid audition

Went on an audition recently where the director wanted to know 1. why I want to be an actor and 2.What actors or films most inspired me to become an actor. Argh, what an amature!

Let the work speak for itself. If I'm not what you want or I have a lousy audition so be it. But is this a popularity contest?

I love being in just about any type of film/commercial/play/etc. I love working with any group that is motivated, energetic, no attitude and have vision. I have never pulled a "diva."

If I can have the opportunity to audition for a part, give me sides and let me prepare. If you want to know more about me, I'll meet up with you and we can talk over coffee.

Saturday, November 05, 2005


I spent the last few days as a chaperon for my kid's three day field trip to a camp in the hill country of Texas. It was such a blast. It is always so fascinating to listen to them, see how they look at the world and see how they are figuring out themselves. They are full of life and live in extremes. Everything is more. Their energy, their angst, their fears and hopes, their wishes and dreams. They are eager for life, even if it is confusing.

I love being around kids. They connect me to the world and our place in it.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

fur bikinis

I just got an audition for a film that was looking for a tall, sexy, strong, Amazon type woman. The role required the actress to, among other things, run around in a fur bikini. I think it might be a very funny film, but for the first time, I turned down an audition. Why?

1. As a friend of mine said, " I hope your ass can do justice to a fur bikini." Let's be honest, I am not a beer commercial type babe. (sweet of my agent to think so though)

2. The role requires running. Fur bikini and running...yes very sexy idea. Me running in a fur bikini? LMAO!!

3. o.k., o.k., let's not forget how mortified my kids would be. I'm a mom. I have a responsibility to not scar my kids for life.

4. hold on a minute, I'm still laughing about it....

The point is, I love to act. I love the creative interpretation, expression, the honesty of the moment. I love the energy on the set, the collaborations, the filming. But I'm not desperate to be in a film.

You get the idea.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005


I really hated to see her go. It was hard for her too. Not only is she saying goodbye to me and her nephews, but also to our mom and dad. Saying goodbye to our dad is probably the hardest because we don't know if he's going to be around, next time, to say hello.

Before I moved them out here, every time mom and dad would leave to go back home, I often thought it may be the last time I would see my dad. At the airport, I would kiss him through my tears and my heart would break. I hate that his road of life, has narrowed to a thin weak line. When we left my sister at the airport today, I knew her heart was breaking. I could feel it as if it were my own.

Goodbyes leave a hole in the fabric of our lives.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Peace be with you

Things are going too fast. It feels like the whole last month has been squeezed into 25 minutes. So much has happened and I've been running the whole time.
This fast pace prevents me from finding a peaceful place in my mind. It traps the nonsense thoughts and fragmented ideas that cram my head. It makes me lose focus of the important things and dwell on the minutia of the moment.
Peace is one of my favorite words.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Sometimes it's best not to go on ad nausea about nothing much at all.

and that's where I'm at.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Today I met a person who supports everything that I am against. Is he the enemy? Is he dangerous? I doubt he would rob me with a gun in a dark alley. Given that he's a writer though, he is undoubtedly much more dangerous.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

today I felt like a stupid cow.
and that's all I'm going to say about it!

Not much longer now...

Fantastic. I'm going to get the shots from the photographer this friday. FINALLY!!!!!

Let's light a candle for the web gods and pray that it will be up this time next week.
Have I mentioned that none of my friends ever look at my blog.

Is that pathetic or good luck?

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Slowly Feeling Strong Again

O.K. enough of the damn whining and complaining. Enough of the feeling bad and not connecting with the rest of the world. I want to dance and sing and goof off and go for a really long hike in the woods!.
I am going to go on a really long hike in the woods!

I am so strong, but I have been feeling so weak and puny. What's up with that?
Where did my strength go? My determination? My force?
Thank God, I don't have to go looking for it. I know it's always within me, it just gets very small sometimes. If I take a moment, breath, center myself, spend time alone and gather the loose ends, I can usually reel it up from inside and let it grow and become strong again.

I forgot how much I love to feel strong!

Monday, October 24, 2005

Sometimes I get the feeling I can’t win for lose.

It seems that on a daily basis, I’m doing the two steps forward, one step back dance. Well, I guess as long as I’m moving forward I can’t really complain.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Life has become an overwhelming whirlwind of movement and it is being contained in a reflecting ball, which is sitting in my garden.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

then again maybe not

I was ready to get all back into acting and everything, but then I totally forgot about an audition today. I was really looking forward to this audition too. It sounded like a neat little film and I had that feeling that it was something I would probably get. I don't know why, but sometimes I get a feeling as to which films I'm going to get and which ones I'm not. I guess you could call it my little premonitions. They are real feelings too. But I have been in a terrible fog since my mother-in-law passed away. It's only been two weeks but on the other hand, it been two weeks!

A friend of mine says I need to be more forgiving of myself and cut myself some slack. But I never miss an audition and it pisses me off. I hate this cloudy thinking type feeling. Like I need more coffee, lot's more!

I'm getting back to the gym and that should help clear the webs.

At least I hope so.

Friday, October 21, 2005

time to move

Time to get back to the gym, get back on the acting ride. start auditioning and get my website finished.
I've been consumed by everyone and everything else.

Consumed as in - eaten up by it all and there's little left of me.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Off kilter

It was two weeks ago yesterday that she died. It seems like it’s been years. Years of sadness in two weeks. I’ve been trying to get back into a routine, but I’ve been very unsettled. I didn’t think I had much of a routine to adhere to before, but what ever it was, I’m trying to get back to it.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

She is Gone

This is the poem I read with eulogy.

She is Gone

You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she's gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

slow going

Still feel like I'm walking through deep mud.

Very absent minded.

I want to keep my kids close.

Their hugs are wonderful medicine.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

the power of family and friends

I hope my husband's cousins and his friend from back home, realize how important their visit was to us. We love them and thank them for their support, kinship and for being here. Your presence was healing.

Thank you to all our friends who sent flowers, helped with childcare, brought over food, helped and listened. You have helped a difficult time, be less of a hardship.

Thank you.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005


The funeral was today.

We had a visitation/viewing.

We underestimate kids.

They understand now that death is a part of life.

The kids picked out special pictures and we placed them in her coffin.

My oldest boy shook with sobs. My youngest kept his arms around him.

The violist played powerful, touching, comforting pieces. Bach, Stravinsky, Debussy.

I wrote the eulogy and said a beautiful poem.

At the internment, the pain from my husband and father-in-law was so great, I switched into movie mode and watched from a distance.

Now I'm at home, it’s late and everybody has left. The house is quiet. So quiet, but I can’t seem to slow down. I’m walking around looking at the flowers, the cards.

Outside, the sky is clear and the air is completely still.

In this quite, I realize I’ve been waiting for the weight on my shoulders to take flight, but it’s still there.

I guess everything that hasn’t been resolved is making itself known and demanding attention.

I have some thinking to do. I have some grieving to do.

Monday, October 10, 2005

not alone

Family is coming. We are not alone.
Looking at her paintings really brought it home to me.

Wrote eulogy and tried out my spouse but couldn't get through the first sentence. I'll get it together by tomorrow.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

The funeral is on Tuesday.
I've stopped thinking, I'm just moving.
Sometimes I don't even know why or where.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

My brain is on fast forward and my feet are moving in slow-mo.

Friday, October 07, 2005

A sad time

My oldest son is heart broken. At the age of 12, he is old enough to understand and feel the intense loss from the death of a beloved grandparent.

Understand the process of life and death is easy.
It's explaining it to a grief stricken boy that is hard.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Passed Away

my husband's loving mother,
my children's magical grandmother
my father in law's dear wife,
and my interesting, intense, crazy, intellegent, sweet and unconventional mother in law,
suddenly passed away.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

where are my photos!

Let’s see, I got my headshot, etc. photos taken many weeks ago. To get these done has taken a lot of planning. Getting the wardrobe together, getting ideas about shots, then when I got the proofs back I worked out which shots to use in my website, designed my website, got someone to put my website together and now I need the high resolution shots from the photographer. These are so I can put them into the website, have my headshot, post cards, biz cards, zed cards made. The problem is that the photographer won't call me back. I have been trying to talk to him and get my photos for weeks!

I hate to sound like I’m whining, but…

He is holding up everything!

Actually, I’m starting to get concerned that something is wrong. I’m getting worried if he’s o.k.

I know, I know, the big scheme of things, it will all work out.

Less Mom?

Just read Kat Candler’s blog. I love her blog. helps me feel connected to the film. She is such a neat person!

But just know I read how she's going to cut out more of the mom scenes. Yikes! I'm a mom! and I'm a mom in the film!


O.K. just kidding. I'm not the only mom in the film. Also, I would rather be in a tighter film with less of me in it, that more of me in a film that, well, could use less of me.

I totally trust Kat and Nevie and know they are working their asses off to make a wonderful film.

I really can't wait to see it.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Still bad buzz

Still going. But definitely more tired. And why?

O.K. if truth be known, I've moved my folks out here and I'm trying to get them settled. Fortunately their furniture arrived, so they can actually sit down on something softer than a fold out chair.

But that’s not all of it. Perhaps it would be easier if that was only it.

There's always more though.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Bad Buzz

Bad Buzz.

Used to mean - partied too hard or had something bad.

Now it means - can't settle the unending noise in my head!

Its been going on for days.

So much crap to do - can't get to that place of peace.

And all of this crap is of my own doing.

It's all in my head.

I created it.

And now it has me hostage.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Texas Freedom Network

I do not equal apathy!

A friend of mine took me to a really interesting conference. The organization is called the Texas Freedom Network. It's main objective is to counter the far right wings conservatives.

It was inspiring to meet these people and hear how much they've done for individuals and groups of people. They are motivated, visionary, positive and hard working for a cause that counters the extremism that's going on today.

It's also interesting to go to these things and realize I don't do a whole hell of a lot for my country. Sure I pay taxes, keep within the law, and am basically a good person, but I don't register voters, stand up for the disenfranchised, protest international policy, or protest the watering down of the EPA guidelines. I don't write to anyone in support of Roe. If I tried any less harder, I would be the poster mom for the Recons. Perhaps that's why this country is in the state it's in.

o.k., so here's the deal - I'm going to get involved. I don't know how yet, and I don't know how much, but I can do something.

I do not equal apathy!

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Hells Bells

Last week one of my kids had a fever all week and I had to stay around the house. Glad to be able to comfort him, but my folks arrived here on Saturday. As in moved out here. Their stuff gets here in a week. Luckily I got them beds to sleep on cause there isn't a hotel room to be found in the state of Texas. There's nothing else in their house though. I've been moving like a mad woman getting them set up enough so they can stay there.
Call it senior camping.

Have that need to be in three places at once problem.

I feel so wired.

Sunday, September 18, 2005


We took the boys motocross riding Saturday. It had to be 100 degrees. I'm exhausted and I wasn't even riding. I told Mr. Spouse, I'll wait until the weather cools off some. It’s fun and all, but I don't need to kill myself in the heat to have a good time.

Truthfully, horseback riding is so much better than motocross, but I can't keep one in the garage like I can the bikes.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Have you seen this week?

Where did it go. I remember going to some school function for my littlest guy, and talking to some teachers for my oldest boy and then there was too many rum and cokes with my neighbor on Friday, but that's about it.

I'm sure I went to the gym a few times.

I tried to volunteer at the food bank but was turned away and told to come back in October.

Repainted the front railings. (again)

Procrastinated getting my website done cause I'm afraid it's going to look anything but fantastic.

If you saw me last weeks and have information to my where abouts and goings on, do everyone a favor and keep it to yourself.

If it wasn't important enough to be remembered, don't remind me.

Monday, September 12, 2005

I lied

I'll admit it. I lied. I was trying to be all happy, with good vibes and full of good thoughts, but all I ended up being is full of IT.
I am grumpy.

There now I feel better.

Be true to your grump!


Just thought I'd say "HI" to everyone who might be reading my blog. I think that's all of about 6 people. I think it would be closer to 10 or even 15, if I counted the web crawlers. But someone was telling me that those don't count, since the crawlers mostly tag words from a site. Crawlers don't care about meaning or content.

Web crawlers. Makes me want to wash my hands or something. Maybe get a can of computer Raid.

Anyway, I just wanted to send everyone a little howdy and hope your day is going well. I'm going to focus on sending good vibes today.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Hurricanes and Holidays

We're going to the beach for our only vacation this summer. I plan for us to do some swimming in the ocean, maybe do some fishing, look for shells and maybe eat some seafood. I have been really looking forward to this.

My sons though, are concerned about Hurricane Ophelia. The oldest kid, thinks we're going to get washed away. I explained that we're going to a different ocean, but I can understand their fears.

As parents we try to inform our kids without scaring them. Give them the tools to make good decisions, to take appropriate actions and empower them in the process.

This hurricane and the subsequent bungling of coordinated relief efforts though, is down right terrifying.

My kids have a good reason to be scared.

I think the rest of the country should at least be very concerned.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Uber Dork!

I think I’m going to have to start a different blog. I find I’m writing more about the inner workings of me, than about the workings of an actress and mom. I’m thinking that it may be completely uncool if a director or agent checks out my blog, and finds out that I’m really not who I project to be during auditions and filming. I can’t say I’ve every hidden the fact that I am uber dork extrodinaire. But for the most part, I like to exude confidence and talent during these things. Not dorkiness and insecurity. But then again, to some degree, aren’t all actors insecure. And isn’t it called acting for a reason?

Oh, what the hell. People can take me or leave me, it’s their decision. If they chose to like me or not like me, again, it’s their decision. I can only be who I am. Dorkiness and insecurity comes with the package.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005


Hubby and I have lost our heads. I can't explain it. Just that craziness struck and we got a bunch of motocross bikes. One or everyone.

The neighbors and friends think I'm a terrible mother for getting my kids these things.

Maybe I am. But my guys aren't the risk taker type of kids. But still...

Last Sunday, we took them out for their first ride. The older one loved it (of course). He rode it in a circle for an hour in first gear. Haven't taught him the other gears yet.

Then as he brought it in, so we could pack up and go, he crashed in the brambles and burned his arm on the motor. So close to leaving it pain free. He was a trooper and didn't cry, but I know it hurt. I was to go to a party that evening, but he was still shook up so I hung around to mother him some more.

The younger one was more unsure of the whole thing. Every few feet he fell over. Definitely serious business for him. But the video I shot is going to be damn funny.

Anyway, just so you know, I have lost my mind and should no longer be held responsible for anything.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Hard to get back

It's time to get back to acting. I've been so consumed by this hurricane tragedy, that I'm always feeling weird. It’s time to turn off the news.

I'm heading over to Costco this week to get a bunch of supplies to donate and then see if the red cross could use some more volunteers at the center. I can give my time while the kids are in school.

Then I need to get back to being a working actress, or at least trying to be one.

Sunday, September 04, 2005


I was driving down 183 and saw a bunch of police and cars at an intersection. I though "oh no, I hope it wasn't an accident." As I got closer, I realized that the police were directing cars into and out of a street off of the highway. Then I thought "Oh it's probably church goers leaving their parking lot." But then I realized that these were cars waiting to get into the parking lot and that it wasn't a church, but a donation center for the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

The cars seemed to go on and on, down one hill up and over the next. Everyone patiently waiting to drop off their donation. All packed with supplies. And it went on like this. I felt so proud. Everyone coming together.

Thinking about it still chokes me up.

On my way back, I checked the odometer. The line of cars was over a mile long.

Thursday, September 01, 2005


I don’t know if it was a political thing, a race thing, an economic thing, a situational thing or all of the above.

I do know that those who could have helped, acted too slowly.

I do know that too little was done and people suffered for it.

Incompetence at the highest levels is inexcusable.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

get them some damn water and food!

How can this be?
How can this suffering be allowed to continue?
Great countries do not let their citizens suffer like this!
Get them some damn water and food.


Grump grump grump



Tuesday, August 30, 2005


I put in my head that I needed to have this one person in my life, to help me be a successful actress. It didn’t work out. So, what does that mean? That I’m not successful now? Have I done anything less or worse or not at all because I’m not going to work with this person? Am I any less of an actress now, than I was at the beginning of the summer? I’m so mad at myself for thinking this. For putting myself into this boxed, controlled manipulative type thinking. Why have I limited myself. Why have I allowed myself to think that only one road is available, when there is a network of possibilities out there for people who are talented, driven, and have the time to put it all in action.

Why do I understand all of this, but still feel like crap.




Monday, August 29, 2005

to gym or not to gym...

To keep myself somewhat sane while I'm not acting, I have been going to the gym almost everyday. I hate the gym. I can't tell if I'm making that antsy feeling worse or better.

Well, at least I'm burning some calories while I'm going outa my mind.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Time to ACT

O.K. It's official. I haven't done anything that resembles acting in a week and I'm having withdrawals.

I see Marco Perella's starting up an acting class at Allywood. I've heard great things about this guy , but I don't know if this is an advanced class. Non-the-less, I'm going to check it out.

On the mom scene, I went to do the "Keep Austin Weird" race today with the kiddies and spouse. It was so hot, I thought I was going to faint. And that was before the race even started. So much for a family activity. It was too hot to even wear my gloves with my outfit. That is: a black fuzzy halo on a wide silver hair band and matching silver gloves with these great wide silver cuffs. (Oh ya and shorts and a top too. After all this was a family event!)

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Humor ??? WHere???

Sorry about the previous depressing post.
In my byline is says that you may find some humor along the way. I should have a disclaimer that says I may also write depressing as hell posts.

Reader beware!!

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

time to do the right thing

The time has come for me to take care of my parents. The time has come to grow up. Taking care of one's parent's is a different kind of growing up, than when you take care of your kids.
I wish things could be different. I wish they were young and healthy and traveling the world, instead of struggling with the pain, which is unfairly heaped upon the elderly.
Why does growing old have to be so hard?

There is no reason one should suffer the humiliation of diminished thought, the pain from their bodies breaking down, the remorse from the death of their mate and the fear of loneliness.

When I was a little girl, my brownie troop used to sing songs for the folks at the nursing home. We would be cheerful, and smile and hold hands. Some of the residents sang along, some cried. Then we would leave them and it broke my heart.

When I was in college, I volunteered at a nursing home and worked on the Alzheimer’s floor. The dementia wasn't the bad part. It was bad when one would come out of it and realize that their family was gone and that they had a horrible disease. Holding them then, broke my heart. It still does.

I'm telling you this because several of my friends think I'm crazy by bringing my folks here. They know how my mom can drive me out of my head. But I have come to realize that if I let them grow old alone and without the help from me, that would also break my heart.

I think this can be a good thing.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Web fever

I am such a nerd! I have been working like a fiend on my website. No not writing code, just the design. It is so much fun.

It really scratches that obsessive button. When the layout is pulled together just right, it feels great. It's like a drug. I keep working on it. A shade darker here, a different line width there. Then wow! look what I did!.

Now on to the next page....

Monday, August 22, 2005

not so long this time

My last post was wrong. I did do something artistic. I worked on the design of my website. The plan is to put the new photos from last weeks shoot on it. It needs to be a good marketing tool, without appearing like self worship. (Gee everybody, look at me in 20 different poises! Urp, blech! ). I hate to admit it, but I spent a lot of time on it this weekend. It was just fun to figure out the layout and colors.

Thankfully I don't have to write code for it to actually work or I would be sunk. I don't know how those web design folks do it.

Code drives me crazy.

some people think I'm crazy already. YEA!

Thursday, August 18, 2005

proof sheets back!

Wow, it's amazing what a great photographer and a professional hair stylist and makeup artist can do.

Now how the hell am I going to look like these headshots when I go in for an audition!

Monday, August 15, 2005

Headshots and then some...

It finally all came together for my headshots. Fabrizio was fantastic and the shoot was terrific fun. Tara was great with make-up and Edward was amazing in what he could do with my hair. Some of the shots are purely for fashion. Most are varying degrees of the commercial headshot. My hope is that I'll be able to scatter these around my website.
I have to admit, shooting for fashion was the most fun ever. Nothing like looking elegant. I wonder if anyone will realize that it's really me. Like I said, the hair and makeup folks did wonders.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Mixed Emotions

Lots of mixed emotions. I am very happy the film is done and will be moving on, but also feeling anxious cause acting wise, there's nothing lined up.

Of course I can be anxious about the photo shoot tomorrow, but I think I'll give that a rest.

All I need to do is accessorize the outfits. It’s probably overkill, but I’m going to put the outfits together and take digital photo’s of them. That may be a good way to put different parts of the outfits together without having to visualize every little detail.

Great I’ve become obsessive!

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Wrap Party

This evening was the wrap party. It was wonderful to see so many of the cast and crew from the film. They are all very talented and I will always jump at the chance to work with them again.

I hated to say goodbye to them. I hope some of them are reading this blog and know that I'm thinking of them and miss them already.
Anyone that's stopping by my blog, know that I say "HI, Howdy, and Yo!"
(Hi Adrienne and Gentri :)

KNowing that there are a few fun things in the works makes the goodbyes seem less final. THere will still be Wednesday Beer Night, Sunday Bowling and now kickball.

We are SO gonna rule at kickball!

Friday, August 12, 2005

grumpy day

Bitch bitch bitch.
Grump grump

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Super Mom!

Nothing like having my head in acting, then realizing I need to get the family ready for next week.

Time for my Presto Chango...

"Look! Who's comandeered that Minivan?"
"Why it's Super Mom!"

(O.k. maybe not, but at least I can play one on t.v.)

Wednesday, August 10, 2005


Acting class has been cancelled tonight. Tammy and I are so bummed.

We've been excited to do our scene, because it's so challenging.

This scene offers very few clues and the dialogue skips around. Usually if the scene doesn't offer much in background, I can find the film or play and get it from there. This time though, I've been unable to figure which film our scene comes from and we've had to figure out what's going on, from just the few hints in the dialogue. Together we have probably read over it a thousand times.

I’ve been studying subtext all week. Which of course is what acting is all about anyway, (well, that and reaction), but it always feels good to go more in depth.

Perhaps all will be good next week and we can do it then.

Monday, August 08, 2005


A warehouse the size of Earth.
Full of people hooked into ipods, tvs, gamecubes and cellphones.
I'm shouting and no one can hear me.
They don't even see me.

Was it a dream or is it this blog?

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Huhum feeling

oops, getting that dulling huhum feeling. It's easy to slip into it. It's where life is just comfortable enough, so that the things which are important but not critical, just slip by.

Saturday, August 06, 2005


It seems there’s reunion of sorts back home. It all has to do with my sister’s high school band mates. I was still in elementary school when she was in high school, but I loved hanging out with her and many of the names from her past are names I know well. Gets me thinking…

Thinking about the past fills me with intense emotions both wonderful and sad. Sometimes it’s like seeing a really powerful movie. Both stay with you for days. Unfortunately, dealing with powerful emotions doesn’t make for getting the dinner on and the family fed.

Powerful emotions, do wake me up and remind me that I’m alive though, so I guess the whole reminiscing thing is probably a good thing. Sometimes painful, sometimes connecting, sometimes sweetness and love. Usually all of that together at once.

It just has to be done.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Hectic Night

I wanted to get to class early and work on my scene with David Appelbaum. He’s a cutie from LA and is interning with Richard Linklater. I was disappointed because there was someone who I thought would be there but was unable to make it, but David and I still did a fun, great scene. (Maybe she’ll be there next week. )

Then I shot over to My Production fundraiser, said “Howdy” and made it to the set by 10pm.

It was so much fun being on the set tonight. It was a no brainer type scene, (no lines, no close ups, just back ground) It was a scene of Zac watching “my family” at the dinner table. My family the “Turners” represent the normal family in the film. Anyway, we got sillier and sillier. Soon we were laughing so hard, we were crying. (perhaps it had to do with a certain someone shooting peas out there nose? Humm???)

It was my last scene for the film though, and I’m very sorry to see it end. It’s a great cast and crew. Here’s to working together in the future J

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

So Frustrated!

I’m feeling frantic because filming is going to be finished soon and that empty “what now” is going to get me. I don’t have any projects lined up and it’s freaking me out. I had hoped to have my website up by now, but it’s been terrible trying to get a hold of Fabrizio to set up the shoot for the website photos and new headshots.

I want to run but everything seems to be moving very slowly.

(of course that could be because my knee wasn't fixed properly!)

Great now I sound like I’m whining.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Still trying to get organized!!!

What is is about getting organized which is so hard for me. I can help other people figure out what to throw out, what to keep ane where to stash it, but not with my own stuff. It's just too overwhelming. With some help from Katie though, it's getting done and I'm seeing results.

It's time to get organized. EEK!

Sunday, July 31, 2005


There seems to be a film group that goes bowling once a month. Anyone can be at this very casual get together. My husband in the film Michael Conway suggested I come and have some fun. And it was fun! I met some great film industry people and didn't look too stupid trying to bowl. I can't say I bowled well, but that wasn't really the point. Kat and Savannah came also and it was great to girl chat and film chat and such.

I have to do this!

My mother is a singer. She's a classically trained opera singer, having appeared on Broadway, and is a member of the original cast of "South Pacific." Her success in New York happened before I was born, but even after becoming a mother, she continued to sing and perform. I new her to be a singer as equally as I new her to be my mother. It is woven into the fabric of of her cells.

I always new I wanted to act, but it wasn’t until I was in my 20’s did I realize that if I didn’t even try to be an actor, I would completely regret my life. With that, I left my job, and went back to school to learn.

Perhaps it’s because I started pursuing an acting career late, or that I’m not a commercial success, or that I don’t have to do it for the money, but there are those who view my acting as if it were a hobby. I don’t put myself through the rejections, the expense, the training, the time away from my family, the imposition on my husband, and the pressure, because it’s playtime.

I have to do it, it is a part of me. This is my fabric.

And I'm greatly saddened by those who don't understand.

Friday, July 29, 2005

more nice people (damn it!)

This evening, after filming, I got to spend a little time talking to Lorie Marsh. I wish I had more time to get to know her. Lorie March, Stacy Schoolfield and Kat Candler are the three amiga's behind Storie Productions, the company doing this film. How these women found each other I might never know, but they are an incredible team. I am envious and awed at their ability to make their films.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Chuy's with the wonderful Yeager sisters.

Had a great lunch yesterday with good friends Marian and Elizabeth Yeager. I was in a film they directed and produced several years ago. They are trying to get some funding together to make another short and then get on to their feature. It's great that they want me for their films. Even if I wasn't though, I wish I had a million bucks to help them fund it.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Crazy Crazy day

The Mayor Jumped!!! I ended up going to class late so I could watch the circus. Between The crew setting up for that evening's shoot, the media there to film the mayor jumping off the bridge and all the joggers/walkers stopping to watch the going's on (an me shamlessly telling everyone as to why the mayor was jumping, and to watch for the film in January 2006) It was really a three ring circus. Then after class I drove by to see how the filming was going, but it was raining so hard at times, thatI could hardly see the lines on the road. So I didn't stop, but I saw they they were hunkered down to wait for the end of the deluge. A friend of mine told me he saw them still out there at 7:30 am the next morning. How's that for dedication.

BTW: class went really well. I think it's a good sign when other classmates seek you out.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

I'm not really this nice...

I've been reading a few of my recent posts here on this blog and I sound like such a nice, happy, rah-rah-ree type person.

What has gotten into me?! I'm not like that at all! In fact I'm normally cranky, difficult, and irritable. And moody, let's not forget moody! Just ask my husband. He'll vouch for me.

I've probably been in such a good mood lately because I've been in this great film. Well don't worry. It will be over in a few more weeks and then I'll resort back to my grumpy ol' ways.

Monday, July 25, 2005

New headshots soon

The time has come! eek. New headshots.
Fabrizio will be doing them again. You can visit his website at (He did my last headshot. It's the little profile picture that you see on my webblog) and my makeup/hair artist will be coming up from San Anonio. I'm getting my different outfits together now. Need a business look, a "mom" look, something trendy, something glam, and one or two other subtle theme type outfits. Now that I'm getting a website together, I realize I need a few more looks.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Reading scripts!!!

Ever since last Wednesdays class, I have been pouring over scripts. I've been looking for scenes to do in class and I've spent the better part of this weekend rifling though the IMSDb website . ( ) . Thanks goodness for that website! Thankgoodness for the internet!!!

Saturday, July 23, 2005

For those who would like to know:
The film is titled "Jumping Off Bridges." It is being directed by Kat Candler. My role is of Mrs. Turner.
Check out the film's website at:

It's going to hit the film festivals in January 2006. Look for it!!!!


Friday, July 22, 2005

You probably think I'm crazy.

I don't consider my role in Jumping Off Bridges to be a big one. It's an important role and I take it very seriously, but it's not like I'm in every scene. It's a supporting role.

(Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely not complaining. When I found out I got the part of Mrs. Turner, I was jumping up and down, running and screaming through the house and immediately called my friends.)

But it's not like I'm in front of the camera everyday and see everyone all the time.

What I'm getting at, is that I can't figure out how I can have this supporting role and still feel this connection to the other cast members and crew. In reality, I know I've just met them this summer, but I already miss them and we're not even finished shooting. Am I crazy or what?

I know it's uncharitable of me, but I hate to see the end in sight.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

acting by the seat of my pants

My scene partner couldn't come to class this evening. I'm sorry to hear he's going to be dropping the class. There are so many talented people in this class. As always it turned out just fine. CK gave me a scene to memorize and do that evening. I'm lousy at memorizing text quickly, so it was definitely acting by the seat of my pants and it felt great. Nothing like jumping in with both feet.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Great day on set

It was a wonderful day. The scene before mine was of a costume party and everyone was still dressed up when I got to the set. It was very funny to see some of these costumes and meet some of the other folks in this film. Wonderful in that again, I got to be in a scene with Michael Emerson and Michael Conway. Then cast and crew met at the Draft House for social hour. I know I've said this before, but everyone is so nice that is a part of this film. I can see a strong bond within this group.
There was also some sadness to the day. Today was the last scene I had with Michael E. I hope I get the opportunity to act with someone of his talent again. ( Look for him in the next Zorro movie. )

Saturday, July 09, 2005

good day on the set

Had a really good day on the set. Michael Conway who plays my husband is a wonderful actor and I'm always glad when we have a scene together. He is so much fun! In fact the whole cast and crew are fun. I love the hair/make up (Jentri and Katie)and wardrobe (Adrienne)group. Those girls are a blast. Hanging out with them during down time, reminds me of a slumber party.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Great acting coach

Michael Costello is a great acting coach. I took a class from him at Brightlites acting studio over 5 years ago. I was so impressed with him, that he was who I called last week when I needed help. Super super coach.(and a nice guy too).

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Wow day

Grabbed Michael E. (from the film) and had lunch at Chuy's. Then we roamed around Laguna Gloria. It was wonderful hearing about what he's done. Not pretentious just very nice. Hope I didn't bore him to tears.

Then this evening, I started C.K McFarland's advanced film class at Allywood studios. It was great! Just what I have been needing. My partner in the scene was quite good and I feel lucky the quasi-improve scene worked out so well. Of course I want to do "serious" drama, but it's good to just lighten up sometimes and have a goofy scene.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

need to workshop

Feel rusty in my acting. Need to workshop. I see an advanced acting film class is starting up soon.
Think I'll check it out.

Monday, July 04, 2005

happy 4th, now don't burn yourself!

Very lazy 4th.
Ended up watching Saving Private Ryan and cried and cried.

Later all the families on our end of the street, gather in the cul-de-sac for fireworks. I'm amazed nobody got hurt.

again, very hot day! over 100

Sunday, July 03, 2005

hot filming

Very hot work today. No, not that kind of hot, I'm talking about the Texas heat. We were filming in a small house today and between the lights, turning the AC off to film and the outside heat, it was over a hundred degrees. I kid you not. One time I thought I was going to faint, saw spots and everything. I'm talking hot!
Let me put it this way, it was so hot inside that house, that the air outside felt like Spring. Really!

But It was great to work with this group. I am so inspired by working with Michael Emerson, and Michael Conway was always spot on. I don't know Rhett Wilkins very well, but he seems to be very talented and I think he also works in LA. Just a really solid group. Can't forget to mention the crew - Super!

Drove home wishing I did this everyday.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

magic and my sister

When I was a child, my older sister created a magical world for me. She has this unbelievable talent to paint and draw and when I was little she would paint these huge murals on the sliding glass doors to our bedroom. There was Leo the lion painted in swirling reds, oranges and browns, Taurus the bull, larger than life, Halloween and pumpkins, even a winter wonderland.

When the itching from mosquito bites would keep me up, she’d take her stuffed magic purple dog and conjure up a magic cream that took the itching away. We would get dressed up in our mothers old performance dresses and pretend the day away. She would sit me down on the counter of the bathroom and put make up on me. I was a fantastic feline (probably a lion, since I loved lions), or sparkling fairy, or any number of mystical creatures. I learned to keep my eyes still at a very young age, so she could put the make up on just right.

And now, whenever I am in the make up chair for a photo shoot or a film, I close my eyes and hold them very still for the make up person. I close them and I’m transported back to being a child and my sister is there, her hands on my face, carefully transforming me into a magical creature.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Filming today!!

Awesome day!. 5:30am call time, filming and then let go late morning.
Great actors!!!! They are so giving and exceptional in their talent!
Crew is wonderful, helpful, NICE!
Everyone is so NICE and No attitude.

Came home on cloud nine, to wonderful hugs and cuddles from the family. Then I slept for three hours.

How did I get so lucky?

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

my work on the film.

I hope they like my work.

It's the only thing I can do to show my appreciation for casting me.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Thinking about getting a masters degree...again.

Ever since rehearsal yesterday, I've been thinking about getting my masters degree in Theater. It's something I've wanted to do for most of my life. It would really be a dream come true. Fifteen years or so ago, when I went back to school after getting my BS. I took a few years of theater classes at the University of Florida. Because I wasn't a degree seeking student, I could take undergraduate and graduate theater classes. (funny, I looked over my course load and with about 3 more classes, I could get a BA in theater!).

To pursue a masters degree in Drama would be so wonderful, enriching, dynamic, fulfilling and terrifying!

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Fantastic Talent!!

Today was my first rehearsal for the film. Finally I got to see what my film family is about and I couldn't be happier! My Michael Conway, my film husband is wonderful, funny and giving as an actor. Already, I hope we can work together on upcoming projects. My film kids Glen and Leslie Powell, remind me of happy tumbly puppies. Eager, excited and full of "now" and running to the future.

The other actors are also so talented.

Anne Nabors, the actress who plays Mrs. Nelson, is so beautiful and graceful, I can't wait to get to know her a little bit more.

Michael Emerson, who has been brought in from NY is absolutely phenomenal. Once I discovered who he was, I was really intimidated to work with him. Within seconds into our scene though that changed and instead of feeling scared I felt inspired. I'll have to tell him sometime that he gave me a little gift without even knowing it. Inspiration.

ahh, I love acting.

Lazy day

Had a really great day.
Worked on the tree house, went over my lines some more, we played and swam and had an overall great lazy summer day.

Need to get ready for tomorrow.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Film is in the paper!

O.K. now I'm really excited. There was a wonderful blurb in the paper about the film.
I didn't know there was an emmy winner in it (Michael Emerson).
Holy cow!
OOps, now I'm really nervous.
I'm such a dork.
O.K> now I'm back to being really excited again

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Can't wait to get started!

Only a few more days! I can't wait to get started on this film!
I'm trying not to think about it.
I'm not doing a very good job at not thinking about it.

I can't wait to get started!

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Cross word puzzle challenged

For the first time in my life, I have started doing crossword puzzles. I started doing them because I read something about how a person should stay mentally challenged as they grow older. I'd better get started.

It pains me to admit it: I am crossword challenged.

Infact, I am so clueless in this, that I have resorted to the unthinkable. That is, online crossword help for the crossword impaired.

Remakably, I seem to be getting better.

Who knows, perhaps in ten years, I'll actually be good at it.

Hope springs eternal!

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Happy father's day

Happy father's day.
I really think it should be "Happy Parent's Day" though.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

sorry audition

I had a pathetic audition today.
O.K. it wasn't that bad, but it certaintly wasn't stellar.
I hate it when that happens!

Friday, June 17, 2005

Summertime Blues

What is it about Summertime, that makes me long for the past.

I find myself drawn to water. Not just to the pool for a swim, but I mean big water. To stand at the oceans’ edge and feel the Atlantic rush up to my knees and drag my feet down into the soft sand as the waves rolled back in its gathering-up motion.

Drawn to walk with my brothers to go night fishing off the bridges. Bridges dotted with poor folks who spoke with sharp, crackly southern accents, and sat on their coolers, chilling a six pack or two. Fish guts and old shrimp always sticking to your shoes. Folks always willing to show you their catch or offer ideas on the best bait.

I feel drawn to go out with my father on his boat. To feel the thrill of a new adventure as we pulled away from the boat slip. To sit on the bow and scan the shallows while we navigated during low tide. To swim with the manatee, to catch a sea snake or puffer fish or who knows what. To see sharks circle the boat. To be so far out you can’t see land or anybody else, but the dolphins who came to play or the Frigate birds gliding so high they would disappear from sight.

I would give anything to see my father strong and at the helm again, so that I could watch him as looked out upon the water. So I could look at his wonderful face and for just a little while longer, wonder at what he was thinking.

Thursday, June 16, 2005


It doesn't happen very often these days, but lately (especially in the summer) I've been homesick for my old stomping ground. The place of my youth was wild in nature and people.

It was a small town with miles of thick Florida woods and swamps. There were alligators, snakes, mosquitoes, blackberry bushes and dragon flies the size of my hand. Thick clumps of Spanish moss draped across the greenish limbs of massive 600 year old oak trees. In the early evening, fireflies would put on a spectacular show of blinking constellations. After hot days, heat lightening (lightening but without any thunder) would light up the night. It was an enormous flash of greenish light that would sear the image of whatever you were looking at into your eyes. It would take a moment for your eyes to adjust back to the dark when, another flash would blanket the area, again stamping an eerie motionless image of the back yard in your mind.

The people of this town were reflected the landscape. There were long haired hippies that would be happy to include me in their music circle and let me sing along. I would ride over to the university and enjoy the Hari Krishnas dancing on the plaza and laugh at the students streaking down University avenue. There was Wild Man Paul who I loved a million times over and from the eyes of a child, never realized he was injured.

I don’t want to go back though. It’s different. The wildness is gone, and in its place is subdivisions. I guess the same can be said for me.