Wednesday, November 30, 2005

just a lot to do.

Why is it that stuff, things and minutia get in the way of what a person really wants to do?

Is it because it sneaks up on ya?

Is it because it’s easy to focus on completing one insignificant thing, instead of working on the big picture?

Maybe it’s that while focusing on one thing, the other stuff multiplied and before you knew it, you have a veritable herd of minutia.

Stuff things and minutia: If I could run my car on it, I’d be a zillionare!

Saturday, November 26, 2005


Not all the kids did it, but most of them gave it a try and from where I was standing, it looked pretty easy. They just needed to climb up a ladder, climb up a telephone pole, stand on the top and jump to a trapeze. And the climber was harnessed to a rope so if they fell, they wouldn’t go splat.

I didn’t think it would be so hard. After all, my 12 year old kid tried it.

So let me at it!

But it was hard. With every step up, it felt like gravity was pulling even harder down. Fear was quickly replacing my enthusiasm. I became fearful that I would slip, that my strength would fail, that I would lose my grip and crack my face or ribs on the pole. My legs were shaking. I was so afraid and I hate fear. Suddenly, while in the middle of overcoming this challenge, images of intensely fearful events from my life, popped into my mind. How dare those demons visit me now. It pissed me off. Then the more fear I felt, the angrier I got at it and with every breath, I blew out that fear. Then while in a mix of fear, anger, a few expletives, and intense focus, I climbed that pole and stood at the top. Well, you’d have thought I’d arrived at the pearly gates, because from up there it looked like heaven, and I drank in the moment. The cliffs painted in vivid golds and reds from the late afternoon sun. The crisp cold air as wet as the river below. I wanted to stay but was afraid I wouldn’t have the nerve to jump to the trapeze. So after a few thoughts on speed/velocity and the importance of gripping my toes over the edge of the top of the pole (which incidentally seemed the size of a pie plate!), I gathered myself up and leaped into the air. I would love to say that I had to jump through three flaming hoops and do a double flip before I reached the trapeze, but in reality, it was only about 6 feet from the pole. But to me, it felt 50 feet away and I was catching a thermal lift. In the blink of an eye though, the bar was rushing into my hands, I grabbed it and felt like a kid again. I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want to have to be grounded again. I could have stayed up there a very long time. Who wouldn’t?

Patrick, the voice of reason, encouragement, and who held the seemingly thin rope connected to my harness, and therefore was literally the keeper of my life, gently encouraged me to let go of the bar and he would lower me down. And he did and once again, I was earthbound. Once again, I was the parent, the chaperone, the responsible one. The one who struggles to trust, to commit, to let go. The keeper of demons.

But the demons are smaller and I am stronger.

Thursday, November 24, 2005


I'm thankful for those moments of pure peace. They are rare and usually happen when I'm not trying. I just discover that I'm there.


It is my favorite word.


Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Leaving myself behind

I am so tired of being in myself. I wish I could leave myself behind and look through someone else’s eyes for a change.

Oops., I forgot, that’s called acting….

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Jackson Brown

A friend of mine burned me a CD with all kinds of music. I love it when people do that. It's the best way I know to find out what's out there. Unfortunately, I was never a part of the music scene. So now, I'm just discovering the music that wasn't on the top 10 count down list for the past 30 years.

It's like tasting wonderful new food and it totally fills me up.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Holiday pressures

Forget the holiday blues, I think I have the holiday pressures. It's closer than we think!

Time to get those damn ducks in a row.

My holiday to do list:

1. Make a list of who gets what

2. Online shopping now for gifts

3. Next week a day at the mall

4. . Goal-get all the Xmass shopping done and sent out before December 3rd.

5. Schedule a family photo and have the holiday cards ready to get in the mail on December 1st.

6. Get tree up and decorations up weekend after thanksgiving.

7. bake/make specialty chocolates for neighbors and teachers. Hand out the 10th

8. Make classroom gift to teacher (I’m the homeroom parents)

9. get to printers to make a holiday acting cards.

9. Send out holiday acting cards to casting agents, etc.

10. Drink a fair amount of hot toddies.

11. Look at this list every now and then, to remind myself that I should be doing something.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

kids and struggles

I have to believe that through my guidance and unconditional love, my kids will will turn out to be happy, financially secure adults.

It's hard when you see them struggle. I know that struggle and wished someone was on my side when I a kid. I hope I'm enough to help them through these things, but I know I'm not. They have to figure out it on their own and it's this parent's fear that my kids path will be so much harder than it should be.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Great class!

Class this evening was so great! My scene partner didn’t show up and I was bummed, thinking that I wouldn’t get to work. CK then told me to do it as an audition. It was exactly what I needed. I dislike auditions and I don’t think I’m that good at doing them. For me to do a good audition, I have to do serious relaxation, movement, and a bit of meditation to get in the right frame of mind. Then I can really nail it. Usually though I’m rushing around at the last minute, can’t decide on what to wear, get lost on the way to the audition, etc.

That was what was so great about this evening. I was totally unprepared to do it as an audition. I didn’t get to chill out. I had to put it out there, and it felt completely right!

I am so happy with my work! It is the best feeling in the world to know you can do better and then do it.

Very happy! Very very happy!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

I love to act, I want to always do this. But I also what to tell a few stories. That is; make a few films. I'm thinking about making a short film and seeing where it takes me.
Life is short, very short, and I have this feeling that's been creeping up on me, that I'm not doing enough.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

easy vs. diva

O.K. maybe I was on a little rant about the stupid audition. It's just that you can tell very quickly if a person is going to be easy to work with or a pain in the ass.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Stupid audition

Went on an audition recently where the director wanted to know 1. why I want to be an actor and 2.What actors or films most inspired me to become an actor. Argh, what an amature!

Let the work speak for itself. If I'm not what you want or I have a lousy audition so be it. But is this a popularity contest?

I love being in just about any type of film/commercial/play/etc. I love working with any group that is motivated, energetic, no attitude and have vision. I have never pulled a "diva."

If I can have the opportunity to audition for a part, give me sides and let me prepare. If you want to know more about me, I'll meet up with you and we can talk over coffee.

Saturday, November 05, 2005


I spent the last few days as a chaperon for my kid's three day field trip to a camp in the hill country of Texas. It was such a blast. It is always so fascinating to listen to them, see how they look at the world and see how they are figuring out themselves. They are full of life and live in extremes. Everything is more. Their energy, their angst, their fears and hopes, their wishes and dreams. They are eager for life, even if it is confusing.

I love being around kids. They connect me to the world and our place in it.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

fur bikinis

I just got an audition for a film that was looking for a tall, sexy, strong, Amazon type woman. The role required the actress to, among other things, run around in a fur bikini. I think it might be a very funny film, but for the first time, I turned down an audition. Why?

1. As a friend of mine said, " I hope your ass can do justice to a fur bikini." Let's be honest, I am not a beer commercial type babe. (sweet of my agent to think so though)

2. The role requires running. Fur bikini and running...yes very sexy idea. Me running in a fur bikini? LMAO!!

3. o.k., o.k., let's not forget how mortified my kids would be. I'm a mom. I have a responsibility to not scar my kids for life.

4. hold on a minute, I'm still laughing about it....

The point is, I love to act. I love the creative interpretation, expression, the honesty of the moment. I love the energy on the set, the collaborations, the filming. But I'm not desperate to be in a film.

You get the idea.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005


I really hated to see her go. It was hard for her too. Not only is she saying goodbye to me and her nephews, but also to our mom and dad. Saying goodbye to our dad is probably the hardest because we don't know if he's going to be around, next time, to say hello.

Before I moved them out here, every time mom and dad would leave to go back home, I often thought it may be the last time I would see my dad. At the airport, I would kiss him through my tears and my heart would break. I hate that his road of life, has narrowed to a thin weak line. When we left my sister at the airport today, I knew her heart was breaking. I could feel it as if it were my own.

Goodbyes leave a hole in the fabric of our lives.