moved out and on

Finally got the rest of the appliances out and the place cleaned . There is nothing left of mom and dad in the house. It’s is so sad. I really hate that my folks moved back to Florida. It has been wonderful having them here. I really miss them. And the kids miss them too. But I can’t be everything for them and they don’t want me to be. Well if all things were perfect, ya, I think they would love it if I could be everything. But I can’t and even if I tried really hard, let’s face it, I would go insane.

As my mom says, you do the best with what you’ve got. And that’s what we did.

Again, such yearning to be on the go.
To where? From what?
Why won't this stirred pot settle!

Only non sequitur spoken here!

Perhaps it's having been in "mom mode" for the past 12 years, but I have lost the capacity to talk business. I actually have to work at keeping a straight line of thoughts and words.

Acting is easy compared to a business lunch!

Let's face it, I'm strictly a free association type person.

Only non sequitur spoken here!

learning

To put it mildly the last few weeks have been a strange mix of enthusiasm, tentativeness, encouragement, insecurity and learning. Lots of learning. And there are still a few weeks left before the premier at SXSW!

business cards!!!

Something as simple as sending my business card to the printers has made me soo happy.

The cards are so cool! I will give them out to everyone, just watch.

I'll be like those people on the street handing out fliers for a new store or something

Don't be surprised if the old guy that bags my groceries, ends up with one and calls my agent.

no more Kvetching!!!

O.K., Enough whimpering and No more whining!

No more kvetching for a whole week! (and that's my final offer...).

Let’s see what have I been up to you ask. (didn’t you ask that?)

-Went motocross riding last weekend. Lot’s of FUN!

-I had a voice over audition on Tuesday. Went pretty well.

-Going to watch Michael Emerson on Lost tonight!

-Have an industrial audition tomorrow.

-BINGO! – going to the school bingo fundraiser, which is always very loud and wild.

-Saturday, going to help with a press meeting for kids who are entering a contest to write an essay about indie films and Austin. The winner gets published in the Austin American Statesman newspaper.

-Sunday, going to cheer and holler (and send positive energy) to friends/crazy runners in the Motorola Marathon. (CRAZY!)

-New business cards should go to the printers this week! Finally! (and they look incredible!)

-working on publicity for Jumping Off Bridges.

- eating lots of chocolate strawberries!!!!!!

Realizing a few things about myself and it’s not all bad.

Not all bad, at all.

blue and strawberries

Still bummed. It wasn't a big deal. Just upset with myself and feeling lost. Feel all blue.

Gave some huge chocolate covered strawberries to some friends.

Motto is: when down, try and give a little.

Still blue though.

I hate the lost part the most.

Fortunately I have some extra chocolate covered strawberries.

intuition

little red flags.
little red warning flags.
little red warning flags in my head.
little red warning flags in my head that flutter so softly,
when danger lurks about.
I wish they were baseball bats instead.

books!

Got some "documentary" books in the mail. Damn they're thick!
Can't wait to get at them!

Still feeling bruised. What a fall. Nothing like getting your hopes up (and I mean soaring!), then get them snatched up, crumpled and thrown over the fence. It took a few days of feeling shitty, confused and hiding under the covers, but now I'm working it out and the pity party is over. My feet back on the ground. And although I really miss that flying feeling of anything is possible, being grounded is probably a better place to start a project.

IF anything, the experience has made me look very closely at how I see myself and filmmaking and acting. I feel more empowered, galvanized, focused.

What I see in my head belongs to me and I should never invalidate that importance.

And there are some people that believe in me.

Every time I think of that, I get a little flying feeling.

You just know then, that it's right.

Blown out of the water.

I don't think I can do the documentary. It's bigger than I am and I can't do all the grunt work alone. I don't have any back up and I don't even know how to get it. Hell, I don't even know how to write a grant. My feet have been knocked out from under me.
What was I thinking.

Let’s see, got to the post office at 8:30am to send out 45 press kits, chaperoned my son’s field trip to the fire station, left that to shoot some tape for the KXAN news segment and made it home before my son got off the school bus.

I could get used to this sort of frantic pace!