Carpe Diem - Seize the Day!

There seems to be, more of a feeling, of desperation these days. Like I don't have enough time to do everything I want to get done. I know, I know, it's obviously related to getting a cancer diagnosis, but truthfully, I've always had it. Now though, it's a hundred times stronger and I'm having a much harder time ignoring it. Very frustrating to be sure. How ironic, I have all this "Carpe Diem" going on, but my energy is going in the opposite direction.
While I always thought of practicing moderation in terms of Mojito consumption, I'm applying it now to keeping rested. Speaking of such, I think I'll go take nap and dream of acting in a major motion picture.

HOPE

I know it’s early for New Year’s wishes, but how about Beginning of the School Year hopes? Like, I really hope that this is going to be an easy peaceful year. I’m sure this is all because of the uncertainty I feel about life these days, but it’s funny how I find myself hoping for such a wide range of things. For example, I hope the cancer goes away, and that I don’t come across another lump any time soon. That my youngest kid is happy at his school. That I hope we’re making the right choice by moving our older kid to another school that’s closer, less stressful and easier on the family. I really hope we’re doing the right thing. I want to finish this screenplay I’m working on and I hope to finish up a short film in the next month. I hope I don’t get really sick and scare the kids. I hope I get back on my feet super fast and land a lead part in a major motion picture (Hey, If I can hope for anything, I might as well go for it!). And lastly, I hope that everything just works out all right.

Got Inked

I never thought I would get inked. But today I got three that are small and indiscreet. I know, whoa me! I'm such a rebel! Already I've shown them off proudly to Mr. Spouse and the kids.
As it turns out though, they were not nearly as impressed as I had hoped. Probably because they're not anything cool, like moons or Chinese proverbs or tiger marks. Instead they are just three small dots. I know, kind of a let down.
But I had to get them because today I got mapped by the a CT scan and my tiny tats are marking where the radiation machine is to be positioned to know where to radiate me.
So, if you see me, do me a favor. When I show you my little ink dots, just pretend to be impressed. Those little dots may not be a big scary dragon wrapped around my waist kind of tattoo, but they are a really big deal to me.
Thanks.

Shout it out!

Cancer is a really scary word. A word that has its own kind of evil power. Just saying it makes me look over my shoulder like I was calling death to sit with me. Not that I'm particularly superstitious, but it's like saying a curse or something. So to banish its power, I found I'm saying it all the time. When the kids are out of the house or I'm driving around town, I shout it loud and clear, CANCER! CANCER! CANCER! My hope is that by saying it enough, getting used to the sound of it, perhaps the fear it instills in me will loosen and fall away. It's the only way I know that makes me feel like I'm the one in charge here. I am the stronger one and I'm the one calling all the shots. It's my way of looking cancer in the eye and saying don't F**k with me!

cancer = rollercoaster

I admit, there is a lot of ups and downs going on. One minute I'm thankful this cancer isn't worse. Then another minute I'm upset I've got it at all. Then I'm happy, then angry, guilty, thankful, scared... Yeesh, what a roller coaster. I'm not too sure what to make of it. Some folks are saying that once I get my energy back after radiation treatment, I can go back to doing what ever I was doing. But I feel different, changed. I have addressed end of life issues. I was doing that God bargaining thing like "Oh please let me make it until my youngest graduates from high school" and "Just let me live long enough to send him out into the world." Now though, the emergency in gone, but the scared shitless remains. Not entirely of course, but it's there.
Maybe it's one of those things that I just need to get used to . The idea of it. Of cancer. Then again, maybe it just take some time recognizing I have a second chance.

Lucky is my middle name!

All of my tests came back clear. I don't have cancer anywhere else in my body. I'm a stage 1. A STAGE 1 !!!
This is almost unheard of for my type of cancer. I caught it very early. I only need to go through radiation therapy. I have a type of buzz that's not quite describable. My Oncologist was beaming. Mr. Spouse said I'm so incredible lucky, that I should play the lottery. I told him I already had and won the jackpot. I know it sounded corny has hell, but sometimes you just have to revert to lousy dialogue when you're in shock. A good shock. A "I'm having a hard time believing it's true" kind of shock. A "It's Wonderful Life" kind of shock and I'm George Bailey, but instead of shouting "Merry Christmas" I'm shouting "I love you man!, I love ya!!"
But I also feel very humbled. So right now, I'm going to sit with a hot cup of tea, watch my two beautiful children as they read their books and know I'll be able to watch them for many years to come.

Waiting for tomorrow.

Wait wait wait, tap tap, wait wait wait, drum drum drum...
Tomorrow I find out the results. Radiation, and/or chemo? Big cancer, little cancer. Whoa, lot's of scary thoughts zipping around.

Thanks to Lauri for making me get out of the house today.
"You need to get out of the house"
"um ya"
"How about getting some lunch?"
"uh, no thanks"
" a movie?"
"um, I'm not sure..."
"Then let's take the kids to a movie and grab some lunch afterwards. O.K. let's see what's playing."
She knew I would go if she included the kids. She's smart like that (and persistent!). So a 3D IMAX movie and lunch. It was great to get out of my head, out of these thoughts. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful friend.
But now I'm back. Wait wait wait, dum, de dum, la de la de dum (yes, I actually hum when I'm nervous)
O.K. time to read another book!

To all of my Friends

Thank you so much for your encouraging words, support and love.
I truly have the coolest, most awesome, kick ass friends!
You all rock and I love ya.
Thanks!
~L