Wednesday, August 05, 2009

cancer = rollercoaster

I admit, there is a lot of ups and downs going on. One minute I'm thankful this cancer isn't worse. Then another minute I'm upset I've got it at all. Then I'm happy, then angry, guilty, thankful, scared... Yeesh, what a roller coaster. I'm not too sure what to make of it. Some folks are saying that once I get my energy back after radiation treatment, I can go back to doing what ever I was doing. But I feel different, changed. I have addressed end of life issues. I was doing that God bargaining thing like "Oh please let me make it until my youngest graduates from high school" and "Just let me live long enough to send him out into the world." Now though, the emergency in gone, but the scared shitless remains. Not entirely of course, but it's there.
Maybe it's one of those things that I just need to get used to . The idea of it. Of cancer. Then again, maybe it just take some time recognizing I have a second chance.

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