I don't make new years resolutions because many years ago, my resolution was to not make them any more. What a concept. Make resolutions you can keep!. But I guess I broke it at the same time I made it.
This year, I am more than happy to honor my non-resolution, resolution.
Recently, we took the kids to Disney and the place did not disappoint. The kids had a unbelievably great time. I had a pretty good time too. It was great to see the place through my kids eyes, instead of through my regular jaded view of seeing it as a theme park. I would never go there during the summer crowd though. As it was, I could barely handle the weekend crowd of the off season (early to mid December).
Personally, I prefer less artificial.
I have to apologize for not having written in a long time. I really don’t know why I stopped writing. One idea, was because December was really busy. But there have been many times before now, in which I was super busy, but I still managed to jot down a few lines. Perhaps it’s because a few people in the “biz” said they caught my blog. Kinda weird thinking that folks I know are reading my words. But I knew when I went public with this blog, that I was offering my words to anyone out there to read: An invitation of sorts.
Maybe I’m just bored with writing the blog. No that’s not it, because I haven’t been feeling bored with life. The opposite really. I’ve been pretty excited about what’s been going on.
O.K.! Enough of this! When I figure it out, you'll be the first to know.
Today at the Alamo Draft House, Storie Productions had a fundraiser to help post production costs for Jumping Off Bridges (JOB). They showed Cicadas, Kat's first film, and clips from JOB. I was thrilled to see Cicadas. I had been wanting to see it for so long and it was super. What an accomplishment. I can't believe it was Kat's first film.
JOB also looked great, great, great! I can’t wait until this film comes out.
I also got to reconnect with a lot of my friends from the film. Catch up on the latest buzz and laugh and smile and hug everyone, a lot!
What is it about seeing someone, that makes you realize how much you've missed them. I don't even know if that's possible, but that's what it feels like.
Why is it that stuff, things and minutia get in the way of what a person really wants to do?
Is it because it sneaks up on ya?
Is it because it’s easy to focus on completing one insignificant thing, instead of working on the big picture?
Maybe it’s that while focusing on one thing, the other stuff multiplied and before you knew it, you have a veritable herd of minutia.
Stuff things and minutia: If I could run my car on it, I’d be a zillionare!
Not all the kids did it, but most of them gave it a try and from where I was standing, it looked pretty easy. They just needed to climb up a ladder, climb up a telephone pole, stand on the top and jump to a trapeze. And the climber was harnessed to a rope so if they fell, they wouldn’t go splat.
I didn’t think it would be so hard. After all, my 12 year old kid tried it.
So let me at it!
But it was hard. With every step up, it felt like gravity was pulling even harder down. Fear was quickly replacing my enthusiasm. I became fearful that I would slip, that my strength would fail, that I would lose my grip and crack my face or ribs on the pole. My legs were shaking. I was so afraid and I hate fear. Suddenly, while in the middle of overcoming this challenge, images of intensely fearful events from my life, popped into my mind. How dare those demons visit me now. It pissed me off. Then the more fear I felt, the angrier I got at it and with every breath, I blew out that fear. Then while in a mix of fear, anger, a few expletives, and intense focus, I climbed that pole and stood at the top. Well, you’d have thought I’d arrived at the pearly gates, because from up there it looked like heaven, and I drank in the moment. The cliffs painted in vivid golds and reds from the late afternoon sun. The crisp cold air as wet as the river below. I wanted to stay but was afraid I wouldn’t have the nerve to jump to the trapeze. So after a few thoughts on speed/velocity and the importance of gripping my toes over the edge of the top of the pole (which incidentally seemed the size of a pie plate!), I gathered myself up and leaped into the air. I would love to say that I had to jump through three flaming hoops and do a double flip before I reached the trapeze, but in reality, it was only about 6 feet from the pole. But to me, it felt 50 feet away and I was catching a thermal lift. In the blink of an eye though, the bar was rushing into my hands, I grabbed it and felt like a kid again. I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want to have to be grounded again. I could have stayed up there a very long time. Who wouldn’t?
Patrick, the voice of reason, encouragement, and who held the seemingly thin rope connected to my harness, and therefore was literally the keeper of my life, gently encouraged me to let go of the bar and he would lower me down. And he did and once again, I was earthbound. Once again, I was the parent, the chaperone, the responsible one. The one who struggles to trust, to commit, to let go. The keeper of demons.
But the demons are smaller and I am stronger.
I'm thankful for those moments of pure peace. They are rare and usually happen when I'm not trying. I just discover that I'm there.
Peace.
It is my favorite word.
Peace
I am so tired of being in myself. I wish I could leave myself behind and look through someone else’s eyes for a change.
Oops., I forgot, that’s called acting….
A friend of mine burned me a CD with all kinds of music. I love it when people do that. It's the best way I know to find out what's out there. Unfortunately, I was never a part of the music scene. So now, I'm just discovering the music that wasn't on the top 10 count down list for the past 30 years.
It's like tasting wonderful new food and it totally fills me up.
Forget the holiday blues, I think I have the holiday pressures. It's closer than we think!
Time to get those damn ducks in a row.
My holiday to do list:
1. Make a list of who gets what
2. Online shopping now for gifts
3. Next week a day at the mall
4. . Goal-get all the Xmass shopping done and sent out before December 3rd.
5. Schedule a family photo and have the holiday cards ready to get in the mail on December 1st.
6. Get tree up and decorations up weekend after thanksgiving.
7. bake/make specialty chocolates for neighbors and teachers. Hand out the 10th
8. Make classroom gift to teacher (I’m the homeroom parents)
9. get to printers to make a holiday acting cards.
9. Send out holiday acting cards to casting agents, etc.
10. Drink a fair amount of hot toddies.
11. Look at this list every now and then, to remind myself that I should be doing something.
It's hard when you see them struggle. I know that struggle and wished someone was on my side when I a kid. I hope I'm enough to help them through these things, but I know I'm not. They have to figure out it on their own and it's this parent's fear that my kids path will be so much harder than it should be.
Class this evening was so great! My scene partner didn’t show up and I was bummed, thinking that I wouldn’t get to work. CK then told me to do it as an audition. It was exactly what I needed. I dislike auditions and I don’t think I’m that good at doing them. For me to do a good audition, I have to do serious relaxation, movement, and a bit of meditation to get in the right frame of mind. Then I can really nail it. Usually though I’m rushing around at the last minute, can’t decide on what to wear, get lost on the way to the audition, etc.
That was what was so great about this evening. I was totally unprepared to do it as an audition. I didn’t get to chill out. I had to put it out there, and it felt completely right!
I am so happy with my work! It is the best feeling in the world to know you can do better and then do it.
Very happy! Very very happy!
Went on an audition recently where the director wanted to know 1. why I want to be an actor and 2.What actors or films most inspired me to become an actor. Argh, what an amature!
Let the work speak for itself. If I'm not what you want or I have a lousy audition so be it. But is this a popularity contest?
I love being in just about any type of film/commercial/play/etc. I love working with any group that is motivated, energetic, no attitude and have vision. I have never pulled a "diva."
If I can have the opportunity to audition for a part, give me sides and let me prepare. If you want to know more about me, I'll meet up with you and we can talk over coffee.
I spent the last few days as a chaperon for my kid's three day field trip to a camp in the hill country of
I love being around kids. They connect me to the world and our place in it.
I just got an audition for a film that was looking for a tall, sexy, strong, Amazon type woman. The role required the actress to, among other things, run around in a fur bikini. I think it might be a very funny film, but for the first time, I turned down an audition. Why?
1. As a friend of mine said, " I hope your ass can do justice to a fur bikini." Let's be honest, I am not a beer commercial type babe. (sweet of my agent to think so though)
2. The role requires running. Fur bikini and running...yes very sexy idea. Me running in a fur bikini? LMAO!!
3. o.k., o.k., let's not forget how mortified my kids would be. I'm a mom. I have a responsibility to not scar my kids for life.
4. hold on a minute, I'm still laughing about it....
The point is, I love to act. I love the creative interpretation, expression, the honesty of the moment. I love the energy on the set, the collaborations, the filming. But I'm not desperate to be in a film.
You get the idea.
I really hated to see her go. It was hard for her too. Not only is she saying goodbye to me and her nephews, but also to our mom and dad. Saying goodbye to our dad is probably the hardest because we don't know if he's going to be around, next time, to say hello.
Before I moved them out here, every time mom and dad would leave to go back home, I often thought it may be the last time I would see my dad. At the airport, I would kiss him through my tears and my heart would break. I hate that his road of life, has narrowed to a thin weak line. When we left my sister at the airport today, I knew her heart was breaking. I could feel it as if it were my own.
Goodbyes leave a hole in the fabric of our lives.
I was ready to get all back into acting and everything, but then I totally forgot about an audition today. I was really looking forward to this audition too. It sounded like a neat little film and I had that feeling that it was something I would probably get. I don't know why, but sometimes I get a feeling as to which films I'm going to get and which ones I'm not. I guess you could call it my little premonitions. They are real feelings too. But I have been in a terrible fog since my mother-in-law passed away. It's only been two weeks but on the other hand, it been two weeks!
A friend of mine says I need to be more forgiving of myself and cut myself some slack. But I never miss an audition and it pisses me off. I hate this cloudy thinking type feeling. Like I need more coffee, lot's more!
I'm getting back to the gym and that should help clear the webs.
At least I hope so.
It was two weeks ago yesterday that she died. It seems like it’s been years. Years of sadness in two weeks. I’ve been trying to get back into a routine, but I’ve been very unsettled. I didn’t think I had much of a routine to adhere to before, but what ever it was, I’m trying to get back to it.
This is the poem I read with eulogy.
She is Gone
You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she's gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
I hope my husband's cousins and his friend from back home, realize how important their visit was to us. We love them and thank them for their support, kinship and for being here. Your presence was healing.
Thank you to all our friends who sent flowers, helped with childcare, brought over food, helped and listened. You have helped a difficult time, be less of a hardship.
Thank you.
We had a visitation/viewing.
We underestimate kids.
They understand now that death is a part of life.
The kids picked out special pictures and we placed them in her coffin.
My oldest boy shook with sobs. My youngest kept his arms around him.
The violist played powerful, touching, comforting pieces. Bach, Stravinsky, Debussy.
I wrote the eulogy and said a beautiful poem.
At the internment, the pain from my husband and father-in-law was so great, I switched into movie mode and watched from a distance.
Now I'm at home, it’s late and everybody has left. The house is quiet. So quiet, but I can’t seem to slow down. I’m walking around looking at the flowers, the cards.
Outside, the sky is clear and the air is completely still.
In this quite, I realize I’ve been waiting for the weight on my shoulders to take flight, but it’s still there.
I guess everything that hasn’t been resolved is making itself known and demanding attention.
I have some thinking to do. I have some grieving to do.
Let’s see, I got my headshot, etc. photos taken many weeks ago. To get these done has taken a lot of planning. Getting the wardrobe together, getting ideas about shots, then when I got the proofs back I worked out which shots to use in my website, designed my website, got someone to put my website together and now I need the high resolution shots from the photographer. These are so I can put them into the website, have my headshot, post cards, biz cards, zed cards made. The problem is that the photographer won't call me back. I have been trying to talk to him and get my photos for weeks!
I hate to sound like I’m whining, but…
He is holding up everything!
Actually, I’m starting to get concerned that something is wrong. I’m getting worried if he’s o.k.
I know, I know,...in the big scheme of things, it will all work out.
Just read
But just know I read how she's going to cut out more of the mom scenes. Yikes! I'm a mom! and I'm a mom in the film!
EEEEEKKKKKK.
O.K. just kidding. I'm not the only mom in the film. Also, I would rather be in a tighter film with less of me in it, that more of me in a film that, well, could use less of me.
I totally trust Kat and Nevie and know they are working their asses off to make a wonderful film.
I really can't wait to see it.
Still going. But definitely more tired. And why?
O.K. if truth be known, I've moved my folks out here and I'm trying to get them settled. Fortunately their furniture arrived, so they can actually sit down on something softer than a fold out chair.
But that’s not all of it. Perhaps it would be easier if that was only it.
There's always more though.
Bad Buzz.
Used to mean - partied too hard or had something bad.
Now it means - can't settle the unending noise in my head!
Its been going on for days.
So much crap to do - can't get to that place of peace.
And all of this crap is of my own doing.
It's all in my head.
I created it.
And now it has me hostage.
A friend of mine took me to a really interesting conference. The organization is called the Texas Freedom Network. It's main objective is to counter the far right wings conservatives.
It was inspiring to meet these people and hear how much they've done for individuals and groups of people. They are motivated, visionary, positive and hard working for a cause that counters the extremism that's going on today.
It's also interesting to go to these things and realize I don't do a whole hell of a lot for my country. Sure I pay taxes, keep within the law, and am basically a good person, but I don't register voters, stand up for the disenfranchised, protest international policy, or protest the watering down of the EPA guidelines. I don't write to anyone in support of Roe. If I tried any less harder, I would be the poster mom for the Recons. Perhaps that's why this country is in the state it's in.
o.k., so here's the deal - I'm going to get involved. I don't know how yet, and I don't know how much, but I can do something.
I do not equal apathy!
We took the boys motocross riding Saturday. It had to be 100 degrees. I'm exhausted and I wasn't even riding. I told Mr. Spouse, I'll wait until the weather cools off some. It’s fun and all, but I don't need to kill myself in the heat to have a good time.
Truthfully, horseback riding is so much better than motocross, but I can't keep one in the garage like I can the bikes.
Where did it go. I remember going to some school function for my littlest guy, and talking to some teachers for my oldest boy and then there was too many rum and cokes with my neighbor on Friday, but that's about it.
I'm sure I went to the gym a few times.
I tried to volunteer at the food bank but was turned away and told to come back in October.
Repainted the front railings. (again)
Procrastinated getting my website done cause I'm afraid it's going to look anything but fantastic.
If you saw me last weeks and have information to my where abouts and goings on, do everyone a favor and keep it to yourself.
If it wasn't important enough to be remembered, don't remind me.
Just thought I'd say "HI" to everyone who might be reading my blog. I think that's all of about 6 people. I think it would be closer to 10 or even 15, if I counted the web crawlers. But someone was telling me that those don't count, since the crawlers mostly tag words from a site. Crawlers don't care about meaning or content.
Web crawlers. Makes me want to wash my hands or something. Maybe get a can of computer Raid.
Anyway, I just wanted to send everyone a little howdy and hope your day is going well. I'm going to focus on sending good vibes today.
We're going to the beach for our only vacation this summer. I plan for us to do some swimming in the ocean, maybe do some fishing, look for shells and maybe eat some seafood. I have been really looking forward to this.
My sons though, are concerned about Hurricane Ophelia. The oldest kid, thinks we're going to get washed away. I explained that we're going to a different ocean, but I can understand their fears.
As parents we try to inform our kids without scaring them. Give them the tools to make good decisions, to take appropriate actions and empower them in the process.
This hurricane and the subsequent bungling of coordinated relief efforts though, is down right terrifying.
My kids have a good reason to be scared.
I think the rest of the country should at least be very concerned.
I think I’m going to have to start a different blog. I find I’m writing more about the inner workings of me, than about the workings of an actress and mom. I’m thinking that it may be completely uncool if a director or agent checks out my blog, and finds out that I’m really not who I project to be during auditions and filming. I can’t say I’ve every hidden the fact that I am uber dork extrodinaire. But for the most part, I like to exude confidence and talent during these things. Not dorkiness and insecurity. But then again, to some degree, aren’t all actors insecure. And isn’t it called acting for a reason?
Oh, what the hell. People can take me or leave me, it’s their decision. If they chose to like me or not like me, again, it’s their decision. I can only be who I am. Dorkiness and insecurity comes with the package.
Hubby and I have lost our heads. I can't explain it. Just that craziness struck and we got a bunch of motocross bikes. One or everyone.
The neighbors and friends think I'm a terrible mother for getting my kids these things.
Maybe I am. But my guys aren't the risk taker type of kids. But still...
Last Sunday, we took them out for their first ride. The older one loved it (of course). He rode it in a circle for an hour in first gear. Haven't taught him the other gears yet.
Then as he brought it in, so we could pack up and go, he crashed in the brambles and burned his arm on the motor. So close to leaving it pain free. He was a trooper and didn't cry, but I know it hurt. I was to go to a party that evening, but he was still shook up so I hung around to mother him some more.
The younger one was more unsure of the whole thing. Every few feet he fell over. Definitely serious business for him. But the video I shot is going to be damn funny.
Anyway, just so you know, I have lost my mind and should no longer be held responsible for anything.
It's time to get back to acting. I've been so consumed by this hurricane tragedy, that I'm always feeling weird. It’s time to turn off the news.
I'm heading over to Costco this week to get a bunch of supplies to donate and then see if the red cross could use some more volunteers at the center. I can give my time while the kids are in school.
Then I need to get back to being a working actress, or at least trying to be one.
I was driving down 183 and saw a bunch of police and cars at an intersection. I though "oh no, I hope it wasn't an accident." As I got closer, I realized that the police were directing cars into and out of a street off of the highway. Then I thought "Oh it's probably church goers leaving their parking lot." But then I realized that these were cars waiting to get into the parking lot and that it wasn't a church, but a donation center for the victims of Hurricane Katrina.
The cars seemed to go on and on, down one hill up and over the next. Everyone patiently waiting to drop off their donation. All packed with supplies. And it went on like this. I felt so proud. Everyone coming together.
Thinking about it still chokes me up.
On my way back, I checked the odometer. The line of cars was over a mile long.
I don’t know if it was a political thing, a race thing, an economic thing, a situational thing or all of the above.
I do know that those who could have helped, acted too slowly.
I do know that too little was done and people suffered for it.
Incompetence at the highest levels is inexcusable.
I put in my head that I needed to have this one person in my life, to help me be a successful actress. It didn’t work out. So, what does that mean? That I’m not successful now? Have I done anything less or worse or not at all because I’m not going to work with this person? Am I any less of an actress now, than I was at the beginning of the summer? I’m so mad at myself for thinking this. For putting myself into this boxed, controlled manipulative type thinking. Why have I limited myself. Why have I allowed myself to think that only one road is available, when there is a network of possibilities out there for people who are talented, driven, and have the time to put it all in action.
Why do I understand all of this, but still feel like crap.
Crap
Crap
Crap!
To keep myself somewhat sane while I'm not acting, I have been going to the gym almost everyday. I hate the gym. I can't tell if I'm making that antsy feeling worse or better.
Well, at least I'm burning some calories while I'm going outa my mind.
I see Marco Perella's starting up an acting class at Allywood. I've heard great things about this guy , but I don't know if this is an advanced class. Non-the-less, I'm going to check it out.
On the mom scene, I went to do the "Keep Austin Weird" race today with the kiddies and spouse. It was so hot, I thought I was going to faint. And that was before the race even started. So much for a family activity. It was too hot to even wear my gloves with my outfit. That is: a black fuzzy halo on a wide silver hair band and matching silver gloves with these great wide silver cuffs. (Oh ya and shorts and a top too. After all this was a family event!)
The time has come for me to take care of my parents. The time has come to grow up. Taking care of one's parent's is a different kind of growing up, than when you take care of your kids.
I wish things could be different. I wish they were young and healthy and traveling the world, instead of struggling with the pain, which is unfairly heaped upon the elderly.
Why does growing old have to be so hard?
There is no reason one should suffer the humiliation of diminished thought, the pain from their bodies breaking down, the remorse from the death of their mate and the fear of loneliness.
When I was a little girl, my brownie troop used to sing songs for the folks at the nursing home. We would be cheerful, and smile and hold hands. Some of the residents sang along, some cried. Then we would leave them and it broke my heart.
When I was in college, I volunteered at a nursing home and worked on the Alzheimer’s floor. The dementia wasn't the bad part. It was bad when one would come out of it and realize that their family was gone and that they had a horrible disease. Holding them then, broke my heart. It still does.
I'm telling you this because several of my friends think I'm crazy by bringing my folks here. They know how my mom can drive me out of my head. But I have come to realize that if I let them grow old alone and without the help from me, that would also break my heart.
I think this can be a good thing.
I am such a nerd! I have been working like a fiend on my website. No not writing code, just the design. It is so much fun.
It really scratches that obsessive button. When the layout is pulled together just right, it feels great. It's like a drug. I keep working on it. A shade darker here, a different line width there. Then wow! look what I did!.
Now on to the next page....
My last post was wrong. I did do something artistic. I worked on the design of my website. The plan is to put the new photos from last weeks shoot on it. It needs to be a good marketing tool, without appearing like self worship. (Gee everybody, look at me in 20 different poises! Urp, blech! ). I hate to admit it, but I spent a lot of time on it this weekend. It was just fun to figure out the layout and colors.
Thankfully I don't have to write code for it to actually work or I would be sunk. I don't know how those web design folks do it.
Code drives me crazy.
some people think I'm crazy already. YEA!
Wow, it's amazing what a great photographer and a professional hair stylist and makeup artist can do.
Now how the hell am I going to look like these headshots when I go in for an audition!
Lots of mixed emotions. I am very happy the film is done and will be moving on, but also feeling anxious cause acting wise, there's nothing lined up.
Of course I can be anxious about the photo shoot tomorrow, but I think I'll give that a rest.
All I need to do is accessorize the outfits. It’s probably overkill, but I’m going to put the outfits together and take digital photo’s of them. That may be a good way to put different parts of the outfits together without having to visualize every little detail.
Great I’ve become obsessive!
Acting class has been cancelled tonight. Tammy and I are so bummed.
We've been excited to do our scene, because it's so challenging.
This scene offers very few clues and the dialogue skips around. Usually if the scene doesn't offer much in background, I can find the film or play and get it from there. This time though, I've been unable to figure which film our scene comes from and we've had to figure out what's going on, from just the few hints in the dialogue. Together we have probably read over it a thousand times.
I’ve been studying subtext all week. Which of course is what acting is all about anyway, (well, that and reaction), but it always feels good to go more in depth.
Perhaps all will be good next week and we can do it then.
Thinking about the past fills me with intense emotions both wonderful and sad. Sometimes it’s like seeing a really powerful movie. Both stay with you for days. Unfortunately, dealing with powerful emotions doesn’t make for getting the dinner on and the family fed.
Powerful emotions, do wake me up and remind me that I’m alive though, so I guess the whole reminiscing thing is probably a good thing. Sometimes painful, sometimes connecting, sometimes sweetness and love. Usually all of that together at once.
It just has to be done.
I wanted to get to class early and work on my scene with
Then I shot over to My Production fundraiser, said “Howdy” and made it to the set by
It was so much fun being on the set tonight. It was a no brainer type scene, (no lines, no close ups, just back ground) It was a scene of Zac watching “my family” at the dinner table. My family the “Turners” represent the normal family in the film. Anyway, we got sillier and sillier. Soon we were laughing so hard, we were crying. (perhaps it had to do with a certain someone shooting peas out there nose? Humm???)
It was my last scene for the film though, and I’m very sorry to see it end. It’s a great cast and crew. Here’s to working together in the future J
I’m feeling frantic because filming is going to be finished soon and that empty “what now” is going to get me. I don’t have any projects lined up and it’s freaking me out. I had hoped to have my website up by now, but it’s been terrible trying to get a hold of Fabrizio to set up the shoot for the website photos and new headshots.
I want to run but everything seems to be moving very slowly.
(of course that could be because my knee wasn't fixed properly!)
Great now I sound like I’m whining.
My mother is a singer. She's a classically trained opera singer, having appeared on Broadway, and is a member of the original cast of "South Pacific." Her success in
I always new I wanted to act, but it wasn’t until I was in my 20’s did I realize that if I didn’t even try to be an actor, I would completely regret my life. With that, I left my job, and went back to school to learn.
Perhaps it’s because I started pursuing an acting career late, or that I’m not a commercial success, or that I don’t have to do it for the money, but there are those who view my acting as if it were a hobby. I don’t put myself through the rejections, the expense, the training, the time away from my family, the imposition on my husband, and the pressure, because it’s playtime.
I have to do it, it is a part of me. This is my fabric.
And I'm greatly saddened by those who don't understand.
This evening, after filming, I got to spend a little time talking to Lorie Marsh. I wish I had more time to get to know her. Lorie March,
I've been reading a few of my recent posts here on this blog and I sound like such a nice, happy, rah-rah-ree type person.
What has gotten into me?! I'm not like that at all! In fact I'm normally cranky, difficult, and irritable. And moody, let's not forget moody! Just ask my husband. He'll vouch for me.
I've probably been in such a good mood lately because I've been in this great film. Well don't worry. It will be over in a few more weeks and then I'll resort back to my grumpy ol' ways.
I don't consider my role in Jumping Off Bridges to be a big one. It's an important role and I take it very seriously, but it's not like I'm in every scene. It's a supporting role.
(Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely not complaining. When I found out I got the part of Mrs. Turner, I was jumping up and down, running and screaming through the house and immediately called my friends.)
But it's not like I'm in front of the camera everyday and see everyone all the time.
What I'm getting at, is that I can't figure out how I can have this supporting role and still feel this connection to the other cast members and crew. In reality, I know I've just met them this summer, but I already miss them and we're not even finished shooting. Am I crazy or what?
I know it's uncharitable of me, but I hate to see the end in sight.
My scene partner couldn't come to class this evening. I'm sorry to hear he's going to be dropping the class. There are so many talented people in this class. As always it turned out just fine. CK gave me a scene to memorize and do that evening. I'm lousy at memorizing text quickly, so it was definitely acting by the seat of my pants and it felt great. Nothing like jumping in with both feet.
When I was a child, my older sister created a magical world for me. She has this unbelievable talent to paint and draw and when I was little she would paint these huge murals on the sliding glass doors to our bedroom. There was Leo the lion painted in swirling reds, oranges and browns, Taurus the bull, larger than life, Halloween and pumpkins, even a winter wonderland.
When the itching from mosquito bites would keep me up, she’d take her stuffed magic purple dog and conjure up a magic cream that took the itching away. We would get dressed up in our mothers old performance dresses and pretend the day away. She would sit me down on the counter of the bathroom and put make up on me. I was a fantastic feline (probably a lion, since I loved lions), or sparkling fairy, or any number of mystical creatures. I learned to keep my eyes still at a very young age, so she could put the make up on just right.
And now, whenever I am in the make up chair for a photo shoot or a film, I close my eyes and hold them very still for the make up person. I close them and I’m transported back to being a child and my sister is there, her hands on my face, carefully transforming me into a magical creature.
Ever since rehearsal yesterday, I've been thinking about getting my masters degree in Theater. It's something I've wanted to do for most of my life. It would really be a dream come true. Fifteen years or so ago, when I went back to school after getting my BS. I took a few years of theater classes at the University of Florida. Because I wasn't a degree seeking student, I could take undergraduate and graduate theater classes. (funny, I looked over my course load and with about 3 more classes, I could get a BA in theater!).
To pursue a masters degree in Drama would be so wonderful, enriching, dynamic, fulfilling and terrifying!
Today was my first rehearsal for the film. Finally I got to see what my film family is about and I couldn't be happier! My Michael Conway, my film husband is wonderful, funny and giving as an actor. Already, I hope we can work together on upcoming projects. My film kids Glen and Leslie Powell, remind me of happy tumbly puppies. Eager, excited and full of "now" and running to the future.
The other actors are also so talented.
Anne Nabors, the actress who plays Mrs. Nelson, is so beautiful and graceful, I can't wait to get to know her a little bit more.
Michael Emerson, who has been brought in from NY is absolutely phenomenal. Once I discovered who he was, I was really intimidated to work with him. Within seconds into our scene though that changed and instead of feeling scared I felt inspired. I'll have to tell him sometime that he gave me a little gift without even knowing it. Inspiration.
ahh, I love acting.
What is it about Summertime, that makes me long for the past.
I find myself drawn to water. Not just to the pool for a swim, but I mean big water. To stand at the oceans’ edge and feel the Atlantic rush up to my knees and drag my feet down into the soft sand as the waves rolled back in its gathering-up motion.
Drawn to walk with my brothers to go night fishing off the bridges. Bridges dotted with poor folks who spoke with sharp, crackly southern accents, and sat on their coolers, chilling a six pack or two. Fish guts and old shrimp always sticking to your shoes. Folks always willing to show you their catch or offer ideas on the best bait.
I feel drawn to go out with my father on his boat. To feel the thrill of a new adventure as we pulled away from the boat slip. To sit on the bow and scan the shallows while we navigated during low tide. To swim with the manatee, to catch a sea snake or puffer fish or who knows what. To see sharks circle the boat. To be so far out you can’t see land or anybody else, but the dolphins who came to play or the Frigate birds gliding so high they would disappear from sight.
I would give anything to see my father strong and at the helm again, so that I could watch him as looked out upon the water. So I could look at his wonderful face and for just a little while longer, wonder at what he was thinking.
It doesn't happen very often these days, but lately (especially in the summer) I've been homesick for my old stomping ground. The place of my youth was wild in nature and people.
It was a small town with miles of thick
The people of this town were reflected the landscape. There were long haired hippies that would be happy to include me in their music circle and let me sing along. I would ride over to the university and enjoy the Hari Krishnas dancing on the plaza and laugh at the students streaking down
I don’t want to go back though. It’s different. The wildness is gone, and in its place is subdivisions. I guess the same can be said for me.