Stays and Goes

A new year is upon us. The big reminder that time is moving forward and there’s nothing we can do about it. The global “Ahh shit, I’m older.”

Which is a drastically different mentality from what I grew up with. As a kid, and through college, I always felt young and I could do anything.

At some point though, it changed and I grew up. It wasn’t one thing, but many realizations that built upon themselves. Moments that culminated and have resulted in me sitting here now, writing bits and pieces of thoughts.

So, with the New Year coming up and reflecting on the past, I’ve been been revisiting the old me - wondering, what is gone and what remains.

Well, I’m not selfish anymore, and I’m certainly not naïve. I’ve got a good grasp that life is not fair or easy, and fun and exciting is something you grab -not wait to happen. Which leaves me with hope. Simple and strong. It’s what has quietly been with me all along and continues to move me forward - eager for the next day.

I may be tapping away at the keyboard, thinking “crap, we’re getting old!,” but I’m excited about what the new year is going to bring. It’s taken awhile to understand it, but the key ingredient in my life is Hope and that’s pretty wonderful.

Happy New Year Everyone and here’s to an abundance of happiness, health and hope in the coming year.

stress vs. de-stress

It's so hard to cool one's jets when they're on a roll. O.K. let's switch to first person and call it like it is - I hate stopping anything when I get something in my sights. I think that's why I'm not that keen on holidays. Everyone goes on these dang holidays and nothing gets done. Everything comes to a stop and focus is shifted to relaxing - no more emails, no more meetings, no more "Let's Go!" going on.
Sure I'm all for holiday cheer, peace and good will to all, and hanging out, but this de-stressing, just stresses me out.
Go figure.

Is Good.

Feeling very hopeful. Got that if you believe, it will happen kind of thing going on. A nice change from the NFV (negative f***ing voice) that's usually harping on me. The film is progressing and I'm cooking up ideas for the next film.
Hopeful is good. Really good.

MilkDrive

Got a chance to catch MilkDrive last night at Botticelli's - excellent musicians and really good songs. They played a lot of tunes from their album, which I already have, but I was hoping to hear something that would work for my film. During a break, I introduced myself and was relieved that they knew who I was and that they were planning to send me some music.
So I'm believing and things are moving forward. I can't wait to hear what they send me. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Parlez-vous francais?

So why exactly am I getting Cialis wiener drug advertisements, in french no less, in the comments section on my blog? Just asking.

be done soon!!

Ninja James and the Beast boy - so close to being done! Just a little sound work, replace the music, get some posters, PR stuff and voila, off to the festivals. So close. It's killing me. I'm thinking this will take about a month and then, off to the film festivals and dvd for cast and crew. Please - oh - please be done soon.

MilkDrive

I never thought getting music would be so anxiety provoking. Perhaps I'm not going about it the right way.

First - I assumed that I'd find just the right song. I didn't.

Second - I assumed I'd find just the right band. And I did! I found a local unsigned band called MilkDrive. They are awesomely talented and have a fantastic style and sound. But after combing through their only CD/Myspace, etc., they don't have any recorded slow songs.

Third - Maybe, just maybe, MilkDrive already has a beautiful, pulls at your heart kind of song, but it's still unrecorded.

Fourth - Here's the tricky part - IF the band has a song that fits the film, in lieu of a payment for the use of their song, I offer to record their song (and video tape them recording it), cut in scenes from my film with their recording footage and turn it all into a music video for them (which would usually cost them $$$$).

Fifth - If this all worked out then, the band would have an awesome music video to put in rotation at any music video television station in the world, a new recording of their song, and because it is attached to my film, hundreds (and more) of people are introduced to their song and the band that made it (Free PR!!).

Yes, there are a lot of "ifs," But I believe in my film, I believe in this band and I believe that this is going to come together.

Wish me luck, I'm going to talk to them soon.

derailment

I have listened to more country, bluegrass, alt bluegrass, swing, mandolin, guitar, fiddle, bass combinations in the last few weeks, than I have in my entire life. Which is kinda sad really because I've found that I love alt/indie bluegrass and I absolutely love mandolin.
I'm listening, because I'm looking for music for my film Eulogy Maker. Looking for one golden beautiful, heartfelt song to make my sweet film complete. And this is a major problem, because getting music is a time consuming endeavor, that can derail the post production train.

LOVE BUG AUDIENCE AWARD

Congratulations to Kat Candler and her short film LOVE BUG for winning the Audience Choice Award at the Little Ripper Film Festival in Melbourne, Australia. Way to go Kat!

State of Mind!

Ugh, got the blahs, got the blues, got the arghs! Maybe it's this cold that won't quite go away. Maybe because I haven't heard from MilkDrive about using their music. Maybe I'm just a whiny, complainy, ungrateful, can't see past my nose, forest for the trees, let's get moving, can't stand waiting, silly self absorbed, self obsessed, needy, I'm in remission from cancer and can't believe I haven't reached some awesome zen place, it's time to kick my butt and stop complaining state of mind!
aaaah, thanks, I feel better already :)

Happy Birthday Dad.

I love you Dad, I miss you. I recognize that today is your birthday. I'm thinking of you and see your sweet smile and I kiss your soft cheeks.

good news

I had my scans last week and talked to the doc today.
It's official - My scans are clear - no cancer.
I'm in remission.
Fuckin' A!

musicians rock!

I posted on Craig's list for original bluegrass music, with lead on Mandolin, for my short film. And whoa, what a response. So many talented musicians!
Now I'm a regular on Myspace and have heard about 25 bands and musicians. There is a whole lot of amazing talent out there! It's fantastic knowing they are willing to share their music to be a part of my film.
Thanks musicians!!

No Waiting!

Wait. Wait. Wait. Ugh. Wait. Wait. One of the hardest things for me to do. Wait. Wait. Wait. I don’t know if it’s that I’m impatient or that I realize, all too clearly, that time is finite.

Wait wait wait...

Acting = Pressure

Acting class. What a pressure cooker. This evening I did my presentation and it actually turned out well - even doing it with a new jersey accent. (What with New Jersey’s not my native language, I think I spoke it pretty fluently J)

And then I did my other scene and it sucked. Crap, crap, crap! Oh well. What did I expect. I can’t do a scene if I don’t get with my scene partner at least once before the actual day of the class. Plus it wouldn’t hurt, if I wasn’t so nervous that my heart wasn’t racing to escape out of my chest. Now wouldn’t that be a sight! Would totally change the scene from absurdist to gore!

Not a bad idea. I’ll think on it.

Free at last!

Saw New Moon today - cured of my Twilight obsession. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

East Austin Studio Tour

Congrats to my friend Lauri for putting her sculptures out into the world for everyone to see, in the East Austin Studio Tour!!
Your art is beautiful and speaks to the heart!

covered

The footage is with the editor now. Everything seems to be in order. Everything looks beautiful. The dp has his footage, the editor has his copy and I have a copy too. Seems like we're covered if disaster strikes again. Nothing like someone getting ripped off to make you feel vulnerable.

Cancer checks

Cancer is never far away. Just because I don't get cooked any more, doesn't mean I can ignore it.
Today get blood work done.
Next week Ct and Pet scans. Oh Joy!

Putting the word out

Calling friends and sending emails to everyone to keep the lookout for a Sony z7 and a Sony 5 at pawn shops, ebay and craigs list.
Pls check for me. Pass it on!
Thanks!

Thieves should rot in Hell!

Woke up feeling exhausted, like I've been running on fumes for weeks. Guess I had, but I was expecting to be full of kick ass energy, ready to jump to the next stage of getting the film put together, not feeling wiped out.
Then got a terrible email from the DP that all of his filming equipment had been stolen out of his house the evening before. My stomach flipped about 5 times and I wondered if I was going to throw up on my keyboard. How dare anyone rip off such a wonderful, talented, sweet guy. Then I broke out in a sweat realizing that all of my footage may not have been down loaded on to my external hard drive. Feeling really felt sick now.
But after a few emails and phone conversations, I was assured that everything was good. But I feel awful for my dp. You never separate an artist from their tools.
Time to help out a friend!

Filming For Short

I woke up every hour and finally got up at 4:15am. Which was probably a good thing, since I was afraid that the fog would be heavy again.
And unbelievably, the fog was even thicker than it was yesterday.
Today is different though, in that my two kids are with me as well. I cast them as two out of four brothers. I'm a little nervous about having them on set and me being director to them and not Mom, but we've talked about it and they are totally cool with it. Man, I love those kids. They're telling me I rock and how proud they are of me. What's not to love about that?
We got to the location just fine and because of the fog, we had a lot of time to film more exterior scenes and even throw in a few I wasn't sure we'd be able to get. Like the lead actor walking through a field, up to the house, even walking through some cows. And these shots, with the foggy backdrop look stunning!! My DP should win awards with these shots!
The scene with my kids in it went super too. They and all of the cast looked great. Didn't get the dolly shot I was hoping for, but there are lots of other shots that will work really well instead.
Then after lunch, a few more shots and it was a wrap - and clean up and get out of there.
People ask me if I'm super happy, or relieved, or sad it's done, but I'm really just processing it all. I've been so overwhelmed. And I don't feel like I'm anywhere finished. There is still a mountain of work ahead. Just look at what needs to be done in post - editing, music, titles/credits, color correction, sound. Then to get it out the door - put together the pr, submit to film festivals, make copies, get the website up, etc.
So I'm glad the filming is done, but I'm really only half way there.

First day of the Shoot

Up at 4:30am. Out of the door at 4:50am. Super heavy fog on the way to the location. Kind of fog that you search for the yellow line on the edge of the road. But some of the rural roads don't have lines, so almost everyone was a little late this morning. But the fog turned out to be one of the best thing that could have happened. The misty wooded scene look breathtakingly beautiful. I can't believe how stunning it looks! Plus the interior shots were equally beautiful.
The actors also kicked major acting butt. I can't get over how well an 11 year old can take direction. And our Grandpa was so perfect, he brought tears to my eyes. Fantastic layers in his performance.
The day was perfect. Really excellent. I can't believe it's all real.
Tomorrow up again at 4:30am. Time to try to sleep (try, try, try)!

Prepping location

Today was the quiet before the storm kinda feeling. Several of us went out to the location to set up, get it ready for filming tomorrow, hammer out a few more details about the sequencing of filming, what to do when and how. Go over (again) shots, imagining how certain actions are going to look, and me walking around like a dork, putting my hands in front of my face, visualizing what the camera is going to see, as if my fingers are the view finder.

Then tomorrow I actually direct my short film. Me - writer and director.
Good grief. Serious insecurities are bombarding me. What am I doing. Aagh!!!
O.K breathe, know that I can do this, I can do this.
Damn straight, I can do this.

Birthday dinner fun

I've been frantically running around getting ready for the shoot, and now it's time to stop and just be silly. Happy Birthday to Kat and thanks to you and all the girls for the super silly girly dinner talk. So much fun! I needed the break!
Only two more days!

Crew Meeting

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 11th 2009

Had a crew meeting tonight and we all get a long so well! The Producer, DP (Direcotr of Photography), AD (assistant director), Costumer, Set Designer, and one of the PA's (production assistant). We were still missing a few, but it was o.i. with me that we got to talk and plan out a few things (plus fill out a lot of paperwork!).
I can't believe this is actually coming together. I'm so nervous. I eat, breathe, dream and live this film in my head - all the time. Only a few more days!!

Giving people rock!

TUESDAY NOVEMBER 10th 2009

Still working on shot list. This stuff is driving me crazy. I'm seeing the holes in my education! yikes. Thankfully Greg is willing to meet with me to go over what I've got and give me a better idea of what I should be doing.
How I appreciate working with wonderful, sweet, super talented and giving people!

Mac for moi

I am now the proud owner of a Mac. Now how do I turn the damn thing on??

Rehearsals!

MONDAY NOVEMBER 9th, 2009

My local school district has today off in honor of Memorial Day. Silly me to assume that the rest of the school districts would have today off as well. That's what I get for assuming anything.

Scheduling rehearsals is a tricky business when dealing with kid actors. Their schedules are super crowded on the weekends and their parents are often driving them and their siblings all over Hell's half acre with sports, auditions, family obligations and such. So Monday (holiday) seemed like the best option (again stupid assumptions!). How interesting it was to find out that all of the out of town kids in the film, had school on Monday and couldn't meet at 3pm. After a silent "aarrrgghhh," I pushed out the times and all but one couldn't make it. Then another had to cancel because her sister came down with Swine Flu. So only two out. Not too bad at all. But it gave me heart palpitations to think that something as easy as the flu could stop the production. Had to breathe and then back on track.

The rehearsals went wonderfully. We walked through the blocking and worked on intent, character analysis, etc. Then we played games and had a pizza party. Have to admit, working with kids is really fun. Making films with kids is going to be fantastic!!

Quick - Do nothing!

It’s one of those days of “oh there’s so much to do- quick run around in circles!” and “Oh man, there’s so much to do – quick start reading a book!” Nothing quite like feeling overwhelmed, to get me totally focused on nothing in particular. So let me get it clear what I have to do, just so that it’s staring me in the face (as I distract myself by writing this blog).

To Do:

Need to memorize lines for acting class.

Gotta get interpretive character set in my head before presentation in meisner acting class.

Need to finalize the shot list for the short I’m filming next weekend.

Actors are coming to the house on Monday for rehearsal – ack, need to clean house.

Yikes! Filming next weekend!!

Need to finalize any holiday plans (ugh).

Need to schedule PET and CT Scans. (Hate Needles!!!)

Try not to freak out that I have to have scans in the first place (Hate Cancer!!!)

Stop daydreaming about running off to London or Italy (This unfortunately, has become my default button for procrastination and it has gone way over the limit of my fantasy/day dreaming quota.)

Stop procrastinating, by blogging!

o.k, o.k., I’m going….

Photo Shoot

FRIDAY NOVEMBER 6th 2009


Today was incredibly wonderful!! It was a clear beautiful day for our photo shoot. The lead characters looked great and Roger shot fantastic photos. They turned out beautiful!!


These we're needed as part of the story, where the lead boy refers to the photo of him and his grandpa.


I'm so excited, nervous and anxious that we are going to start filming in a week!

(I'll post some of the pictures soon!)

Congrats to LOVE BUG and Kat Candler

Congratulations to Kat Candler and her film "Love Bug" for winning the Audience Award at Austin Film Fest. I have probably seen this film 10 times and i loved it each time! And everyone that I know that's seen it has also loved it! Lot's of wonderful laughter goes along with this film.
I'm sure it's going to get to more festivals, but if it's in your area, please check it out.
p.s. No that's not me in the picture. That would be the talented Anne Nebors. I play the mom of the Maddy.

Upcoming Screenings - Rockport, Houston, Dallas, Fort Worth

Love Bug

• Sunday, November 8th, 8pm, Dallas Video Festival, Dallas, TX
• Thursday, November 12th, 10pm, Lone Star Film Festival, Fort Worth, TX

Worry Worry worry

Tomorrow’s the first cast/crew meeting. I’m so excited! We’ll have our read through, talk about the film, sign papers, work on costuming, answer questions, set up more meetings, etc., you get the idea. I think I’ve got everything I can possibly do, done before tomorrow, but… I’m still so nervous. What am I forgetting? Do I have the keys to get in? The scripts? The calendar? Enough chairs? What about the crew papers? What about the costuming, what about blah, blah, blah.

I wish I could go through this film making process totally cool and easy going. Like I didn’t have a care in the world. Like this was easy as pie. Maybe it is easy as pie and I’m just torturing myself by thinking it’s harder than it really is. Maybe I’m a masochist.

If I could just figure out how to enjoy this really neat ride, instead of worrying so much.

Maybe I worry too much!!

Catching up with You

Hey You!

Been a while! How are you?!

Well, I’ve been kinda busy. Let’ see…

Had wonderful actors auditioning for the film and now the cast is set. I can’t wait to work with them.

This weekend we have our read through and costume fitting. Next week we’ll do our test shoots and start prepping the interior locations. Can’t believe it’s only two weeks until filming. (yikes!). Then it will go on to editing, sound, music, color correction, maybe subtitles, then on to festival submissions.

Went to Austin Film Fest last week. Met wonderful talented filmmakers and then some. Saw some celebs and got to hang out with really awesome friends. Got to see some films, some great shorts and I went to several panels that got me thinking.

I’m still taking the ass-kicking acting class. Unfortunately it’s only getting harder. What’s up with that? It’s so hard, that I’m thinking of taking it twice a week after the holidays. Again, what’s up with that?

Saturday marked the third year anniversary of my dad’s death. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so busy - trying to keep myself preoccupied, because I’m missing him so much.

Lastly, I’m working on my next short to hopefully be shot in the Spring, excited to get to spend some time over the thanksgiving holiday on a screenplay I’ve been ignoring, but really wanting to get back to and I’m going to have my own production company.

Other than that, not much else is going on.

Take Care and let me know what’s going on with you.

Lot’s of love,

Leslie

For three days now, I have been so restless, I’m about to take up exercise.

Really - It’s that bad.

I don’t get it.

...Or maybe I just don’t get me.

Locked script – Check

Secured Producer, DP, Editor, etc. – Check

Taking ass kicking acting class – Check

Working on feature – Check

Didn’t book a stupid commercial - Check

Got snuggle time in with Little Kiddo – Check

Yelled at Big Kiddo about homework, but still got in some hugs – Check

Looking everywhere for locations – Check

Doesn’t feel like I’m getting anything done – Check, Check Check

What is up with this?!!

20 Pages!

So I was thinking, oh man, oh man, I have really messed up! I’ve lost 20 pages of my feature screenplay. Twenty pages!! PANIC!!! I searched and searched, and pleaded with my computer to show me my pages. Please computer don’t take my 20 pages.

Maybe I deleted them (wouldn’t be the first time). So I clicked on the bright red “Recover My Files” panic button icon, and crossed my fingers. Please special red icon button, please find my pages. I waited for it to miraculously save my 20 pages. I waited for hours. Finally…

No pages!! PANIC!!! Tears, Sailor Cursing, Gnashing of Teeth, Fists of Fury!!

Disgusted with myself and hearing that damn negative voice yelling in my head “LOSER,” I opened up a folder to work on another screenplay and … voila, there they were - my sweet, wonderful, greatly missed 20 pages. ~sigh~

I know 20 pages isn’t such a big deal to a lot of folks, especially those who write for a living or can produce 20 pages in a mere hour or less, but these pages were not just words grouped together to make sentences. These were pages, that I ignored my children so I could write them. Pages, that kept me up late and got me up early.

Pages that are proof that I'm participating in a creative process that is an integral part of who I am. Creativeness formulated into words. My written words. My 20 pages.

I am not Manic

There are folks who are manic and get lots of things done. Their houses are tidy, they exercise regularly, their bills are paid and they do crossword puzzles. Let me rephrase that, they FINISH crossword puzzles. They prepare meals in advance - days in advance and they desks are never out of order.

I envy manic people - I am not a manic person. Sometimes I have episodes of mania, but I usually end up with lots of unfinished projects. Like when I got all manic-y and wanted to turn the back yard into an oasis of solitude and calm, but ended up with a garage full of potting soil, yard lighting fixtures, and dead plants.

Lesson I have learned - Episodes of mania is not the same as being manic.
If I was full on manic, the bills would be paid, a crossword would be finished and I would have a beautiful back yard to sit in and enjoy right now because the weather has just turned cooler and I want to sit outside now!

Radiation Certificate

Done and Done! Such a sense of relief. Sure, the cancer word will always hang over my head, and anytime I feel a lump anywhere, I know the first thought I’ll have is omg has it come back? But my prognosis is solid gold, and with the radiation treatments finished, I won’t have the thought of it in my face everyday. And like all life altering emotions, it will ebb and fade or become something else entirely. So this chapter is behind me and I am the wiser for it. Which is great. I could use all the wisdom I can scrounge up. But surprisingly, I am also less patient for it. I want to be “there” now. There, being everywhere and everything. Out of the past, into the future, and enjoying the heck out of the NOW. This is such an exciting time.

Reminders

The reminder on my phone chimed - “Screenplay - 20 more pages?” What? Already? But I only wrote 6 pages... I got side tracked and wrote a cute little short... I had about five pages of a script to memorize for my acting class (and o.k., I have been really tired from this radiation stuff, but I promised myself I wouldn’t use that as an excuse, so it doesn’t count!). So I did not write 20 pages, but I did do a lot of writing, and actor-y stuff. That should count right? For once, yes it does. It counts for a lot. No more blame or feeling guilty. It isn’t worth it anymore and truthfully it never has been. Blame and guilt are persistent negative voices that just get in the way. I’ll get it written, I’ll direct the short, I’ll get those lines memorized and do my best in class and I’ll kick this cancer’s ass. And all in good time.

Baby Blocks to Acting

After all these years, I’m back to the basics. The basic building blocks of acting - back to Meisner. I don’t remember if my very first college acting class was a meisner class, or my professor just never called it that, but they are the same. And now my current Meisner class, is stripping away all those years of technique. This is a good thing, a very good thing. For too long, I have avoided the places an actor needs to be able to access. Being too much in one’s head, never makes for good acting. Not in the long run.

So yes, it’s all good. But damn, it’s so painful to go back.

pretty good if you ask me

Moving right a long. Yes indeed.

A weekend full of working on really fun and enjoyable things (no laundry and dishes here!) I worked some more on a feature screenplay I’m thrilled about, cleaned up a short that I may direct in the next few months, found out that there really is footage I was hoping for on the last project (yea!!), have a great kid working on after effects on the last project (thank you kat!!), got to work with my scene partner for this meisner acting class I’m taking and … and… what else… oh ya, grabbed a cup of coffee and got some good chatting time in with previously mentioned friend, and …and well, you get the idea - Pretty darn good weekend if you ask me.

lovely day

A delightful day. Yes indeed. Coffee this morning with an old friend, got in got out with radiation stuff in a jiffy, walked around a bit with my mom and then had a girls lunch with awesome friends. O.K. maybe the birds that sat in the branches overhead during our lunch gave us a little too much excitement. (For me these days, bird poop splatting down when you least expect it, is mighty big excitement).
I love my friends.
Such a lovely day!!

Julie and Julia *****

I know this isn’t a film critic blog, I’ll leave that for those of you who have better formed ideas, but I enjoyed Julie and Julia a lot. More specifically, I enjoyed watching the talents of Meryl Streep A LOT. I’m not going to nit pick the film, but I will say that Meryl Streep is once again, fantastic. Perfection! I can only imagine (and that will be the closest I ever get), to what it must be like to be in a scene with her. Could you imagine how awesome it would be as an actor, to be on set and see how she works? I love to watch really good actors work. It’s an enriching experience. It’s learning, learning, learning. Even though, I’m sitting here in my pj’s, drinking my coffee, hoping that in the next 5 years I will be in my own feature film, and thinking of my upcoming acting class, I hope that in some parallel universe, I could meet Ms. Streep and if not be in a itty bitty scene with her, at the least get to sit on set and watch her genius at work.

Julie and Julia

Yea! I'm going to see the film Julie and Julia on Friday. Stop snickering, I know everyone else has seen it, but I've been a little preoccupied (ah hem!), but at least I'm seeing it at the theater instead of waiting until it comes out on DVD.
So anyway, I was watching the trailer for it and the character Julie is talking to her hubby about starting a blog and she says she's going to do it because "I have thoughts too!"
Damn, talk about spot on!

Writing and Un-Writing

This is how I can spend a week not moving forward on my screenplay.
Monday - I'm in a flurry of prose and lay down 10 pages of dialogue for a bar scene. I own it Man!
Tuesday - I reread bar scene and GAH! Real people don't sound like that! So time to rework it. It's now only 7 pages, but it's more concise and to the point. Wednesday - Reread scene again, arrgh. It doesn't make any f**king sense at all. Edit edit. Edit. Now only 4 pages.
Thursday - Reread and wonder, what the Hell am I doing? My wonderful dialogue has nothing to do with the story.
Friday - Zero pages, start over.
~sigh~

Carpe Diem - Seize the Day!

There seems to be, more of a feeling, of desperation these days. Like I don't have enough time to do everything I want to get done. I know, I know, it's obviously related to getting a cancer diagnosis, but truthfully, I've always had it. Now though, it's a hundred times stronger and I'm having a much harder time ignoring it. Very frustrating to be sure. How ironic, I have all this "Carpe Diem" going on, but my energy is going in the opposite direction.
While I always thought of practicing moderation in terms of Mojito consumption, I'm applying it now to keeping rested. Speaking of such, I think I'll go take nap and dream of acting in a major motion picture.

HOPE

I know it’s early for New Year’s wishes, but how about Beginning of the School Year hopes? Like, I really hope that this is going to be an easy peaceful year. I’m sure this is all because of the uncertainty I feel about life these days, but it’s funny how I find myself hoping for such a wide range of things. For example, I hope the cancer goes away, and that I don’t come across another lump any time soon. That my youngest kid is happy at his school. That I hope we’re making the right choice by moving our older kid to another school that’s closer, less stressful and easier on the family. I really hope we’re doing the right thing. I want to finish this screenplay I’m working on and I hope to finish up a short film in the next month. I hope I don’t get really sick and scare the kids. I hope I get back on my feet super fast and land a lead part in a major motion picture (Hey, If I can hope for anything, I might as well go for it!). And lastly, I hope that everything just works out all right.

Got Inked

I never thought I would get inked. But today I got three that are small and indiscreet. I know, whoa me! I'm such a rebel! Already I've shown them off proudly to Mr. Spouse and the kids.
As it turns out though, they were not nearly as impressed as I had hoped. Probably because they're not anything cool, like moons or Chinese proverbs or tiger marks. Instead they are just three small dots. I know, kind of a let down.
But I had to get them because today I got mapped by the a CT scan and my tiny tats are marking where the radiation machine is to be positioned to know where to radiate me.
So, if you see me, do me a favor. When I show you my little ink dots, just pretend to be impressed. Those little dots may not be a big scary dragon wrapped around my waist kind of tattoo, but they are a really big deal to me.
Thanks.

Shout it out!

Cancer is a really scary word. A word that has its own kind of evil power. Just saying it makes me look over my shoulder like I was calling death to sit with me. Not that I'm particularly superstitious, but it's like saying a curse or something. So to banish its power, I found I'm saying it all the time. When the kids are out of the house or I'm driving around town, I shout it loud and clear, CANCER! CANCER! CANCER! My hope is that by saying it enough, getting used to the sound of it, perhaps the fear it instills in me will loosen and fall away. It's the only way I know that makes me feel like I'm the one in charge here. I am the stronger one and I'm the one calling all the shots. It's my way of looking cancer in the eye and saying don't F**k with me!

cancer = rollercoaster

I admit, there is a lot of ups and downs going on. One minute I'm thankful this cancer isn't worse. Then another minute I'm upset I've got it at all. Then I'm happy, then angry, guilty, thankful, scared... Yeesh, what a roller coaster. I'm not too sure what to make of it. Some folks are saying that once I get my energy back after radiation treatment, I can go back to doing what ever I was doing. But I feel different, changed. I have addressed end of life issues. I was doing that God bargaining thing like "Oh please let me make it until my youngest graduates from high school" and "Just let me live long enough to send him out into the world." Now though, the emergency in gone, but the scared shitless remains. Not entirely of course, but it's there.
Maybe it's one of those things that I just need to get used to . The idea of it. Of cancer. Then again, maybe it just take some time recognizing I have a second chance.

Lucky is my middle name!

All of my tests came back clear. I don't have cancer anywhere else in my body. I'm a stage 1. A STAGE 1 !!!
This is almost unheard of for my type of cancer. I caught it very early. I only need to go through radiation therapy. I have a type of buzz that's not quite describable. My Oncologist was beaming. Mr. Spouse said I'm so incredible lucky, that I should play the lottery. I told him I already had and won the jackpot. I know it sounded corny has hell, but sometimes you just have to revert to lousy dialogue when you're in shock. A good shock. A "I'm having a hard time believing it's true" kind of shock. A "It's Wonderful Life" kind of shock and I'm George Bailey, but instead of shouting "Merry Christmas" I'm shouting "I love you man!, I love ya!!"
But I also feel very humbled. So right now, I'm going to sit with a hot cup of tea, watch my two beautiful children as they read their books and know I'll be able to watch them for many years to come.

Waiting for tomorrow.

Wait wait wait, tap tap, wait wait wait, drum drum drum...
Tomorrow I find out the results. Radiation, and/or chemo? Big cancer, little cancer. Whoa, lot's of scary thoughts zipping around.

Thanks to Lauri for making me get out of the house today.
"You need to get out of the house"
"um ya"
"How about getting some lunch?"
"uh, no thanks"
" a movie?"
"um, I'm not sure..."
"Then let's take the kids to a movie and grab some lunch afterwards. O.K. let's see what's playing."
She knew I would go if she included the kids. She's smart like that (and persistent!). So a 3D IMAX movie and lunch. It was great to get out of my head, out of these thoughts. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful friend.
But now I'm back. Wait wait wait, dum, de dum, la de la de dum (yes, I actually hum when I'm nervous)
O.K. time to read another book!

To all of my Friends

Thank you so much for your encouraging words, support and love.
I truly have the coolest, most awesome, kick ass friends!
You all rock and I love ya.
Thanks!
~L

PET Scan

Finally, a good IV day.
Someone told me to drink lot's of water if my veins weren't cooperating, so last night, I was attacking the water like a dehydrated camel. Then today, more water. By the time I got to the clinic, you could say the tank was full. But when I checked in I was given a large tumbler of some contrast to drink. Ugh, but O.k. got it down. Then they filled it up again. I was beginning to feel like a college freshman going in for the second beer bong. I mean I was tapped off. I was sloshing! Then into the chair for another needle and an injection of something that came from a metal canister. Really - a metal canister, like 1/2 of a red bull. And everywhere signs warning of radioactive dangers. Great. was my tongue glowing yet? Then I had to sit in a chair and "relax" for 20 minute. Did anyone mention that I had just drank a gallon of barium. How does anyone relax when all you can think about is running to the bathroom? Thank you Trish for letting me borrow your Ipod. It really saved me!
So after 20 minutes and a quick trip to the toity, I'm back in getting ready to get in the machine and voila, yet another tumbler of yukky stuff appears.
Next time, I'm going to suggest that we play a drinking game to help it go down faster! Maybe add some rum to it.
Anyway, the Pet scan went well and the folks were really nice. After we got home, my sweet geeky Mr. Spouse, ran into the garage to get the Geiger counter. Fun with science.
~Good news the rest of the CT scan results came in and they were clear (YEA!!). So now we're one out of three test results back. Perhaps we're only looking at radiation treatment!

Bone Marrow Biopsy

o.k. what's up with the missing the vein for an IV. I mean really! The actual procedure to get the bone marrow was nothing compared to the damn vein spelunking. But you would be proud - not one obscenity flew from my lips. Finally someone came in and got it right, but I'm really getting to dread needles!
But other than that, everything else went well. I think it's funny though that the doc said that because of the pain meds and such, I would probably forget everything about the procedure and even our conversation . Of course, I remember everything. The shots for numbing, the light hammering, our conversation!
So much for forgetting.

Cautious optimism

The Oncologist called to say that the neck area of my CT scan looked clear. Keeping fingers crossed that the rest of the areas (middle and lower) are clear too. Yea!
btw: sorry to the guy at the scan place, who kept missing my vein to start the IV. I wasn't really calling you a MF'er. It was just that when I feel someone screwing up and putting the needle down into the joint of my elbow, I have a tendency to curse. Well, it felt like the needle was going into my elbow. And the F bombs weren't aimed at you either. kinda, not really, sorta.

test time

O.K. so I need tests.

Here's what I'm looking forward to this week.

Wednesday = CT scan

Thursday = Bone Marrow Biopsy

Friday = PET scan

woohoo

(how the hell is one suppossed to study for these thing?)

lymphoma - shit!

A week ago I had a lymph node removed and it turned out to be cancer. I know! Holy Shit huh! Cancer!

I found out on Friday July 24th, and not until Monday, 66 hours later (I know I counted), I only knew I had lymphoma. No idea as to where else it may be or how fast it was spreading. Talk about a lousy weekend. I needed a diversion. I'm not the type to dive in to a beer, so I started reading. And reading like a mad woman. A woman on a mission. Anything to to get my mind off of my future and it's uncertainty.
I don't mean reading to learn more about lymphoma either. No way. The web is overflowing with scary stories (I'd leave that to Mr. Spouse to weed through that mess and pull out some facts and figures) I grabbed the nearest book and started on it with a vengeance. The last three books of the Harry Potter series, The Twilight series, Straight Man, Shakespeare. In those 66 hours I read more books than I had in years.
Fortunately, on today (Monday), more results came in and the lymphoma looks to be slow growing. This is good! Really good. But now on to see the Oncologist and find out where this unwelcome guest is residing in my body. And of course on to the book store.

Until a few days ago...

Until a few days ago, the summer hadn't been anything spectacular. Nothing too grand, but nothing too bland either. The major theme of Summer would have been that it was HOT. Like holy cow -over 100 degrees everyday - kind of hot.


A quick run down would include - June: The kids and I went to Florida for a couple of weeks which was really fun (and also hot),


July was filled with summer camps , drivers ed, PSAT prep and fresh from the oven kind of HOT.


Life was bumbling along in it's usual clouded state, going from one thing to another.


At least that was until a few days ago...

YEAH!!

Summer is almost here!!
Summer time!!
Wahoo!!
Sleep late, watch movies, family time, Fun!!
Oh, how I love you Summertime!

5th graders and Shakespeare

For the past month, I've been working with a zillion 5th graders in their annual Shakespeare performance. Hand down a wonderful fun filled evening with talented, sweet, hardworking kids. They performed several condensed plays (MacBeth, Midsummer Nights Dream, Taming of the Shrew) and scenes (Much Ado About Nothing, Romeo and Juliet). There were lines to memorize, blocking to be worked out, real acting to be done, complicated set changes, sound systems with microphones that needed to be moved on and off set, costume changes, hair and makeup, lighting, props - everything a theater needs to do to pull of a show. And these kids did it all. A talented bunch that cast and crew.
The great thing about kids is if you give them a little guidance and structure, expect great things of them, and let them take ownership of their work, they will far exceed your greatest expectations. Simply put, these kids rocked!!!

What do you love?

When my kiddo's ask me about what they should be in life - I tell them they should be happy.
When they press a bit more and ask what kind of job should they get - I tell them to "Do what you love."
Because if they truly love it, they will somehow find a way to earn a living doing it.
I honestly believe this.
Do what you love.

Pretending

To be done with really big things is such a tremendous relief. To actually be done with something -finished - no more! How wonderfully great!
But I'm not done with anything, nothing, zilch. So I thought if I could just put myself in that frame of mind, that super finished feeling, I could fool myself into a peaceful place. If I could just pretend that the gargantuan decisions have been made, the chores done, the repairs finished and the events over, I could feel that lightness of step and my shoulders wouldn't be hunched up around my ears.
And to tell you the truth I have been pretending all day and I feel a little lighter. A happy lightness.
I love to pretend. It's the next best thing to acting!

Hi Blogisphere

Yes, it's been a long time. I think most everyone has stopped coming by. I've been doing a bit on Facebook, but nothing that's taken me away from blogging for over a month. I think I've set a new record. If you have happened by, then thanks for stopping and giving this blog a quick read. See what's going on in my neck of the woods.
~I guess I'll get back to my shouting out into the great void which is known as the blogisphere and see where my typed words land me.

rough cut screening

Just had a great rough cut screening of Ninja James and the Beast Boy. Chadwick our editor is doing a fantastic job putting it together and I'm very excited to see how it's turning out. All but one of our screeners were non film people and their comments and insight were exceptional!!!

BANGS

btw: for those of you surprised by my photo, I've darkened my hair (trying for those serious parts now!) and got bangs! Yes, BANGS!!
No I'm not talking about the cow.

TXMPA LOBBY DAY

TXMPA LOBBY DAY on the grounds of the capital w/a mechanical cow from the HBO film Temple Grandin. The cow looked awesome (and moved like a real cow!) curtesy of awesome FX guys, Everett and Craig Byrom, JW McCormick and Bob Trevino.

loove, loove loove!!

So here's the scoop. I love acting. I'm lucky, in that I occasionally get paid for it, but I love it so much, I'll even do it for free. (O.K. as long as it's an awesome director). Plain and simply put, I love it. I also love being a mom. Loove, loove, loove it!! and I'm totally over the moon with my kids. I believe kids are the essence of life and that their energy is what makes the world go around.
But it's not always peaches and cream. To be a working actor, you have to keep growing artistically, take challenges, push your comfort zone and be open to possibilities. To be a fairly decent parent, you have to keep two steps ahead of the little buggers, think outside the lines, be the "adult" when you really want to be the one to throw the tantrum, and be open to ideas that aren't very efficient. :)
It does seem that I'm whining about the struggle between two awesome jobs, about two things in my life that I love and give me great joys. But I wouldn't mind being able to do both of them really well at the same time!

Happy birthday to Mr. Spouse!!!

off the earth but not in trouble

Wow, it happened again. I dropped off the face of the earth. But this time it wasn't a bad reason. Just a busy reason. Spring break is coming up and so is a trip to NY and I'm taking several classes, so ya, it's just kinda busy.
Which is good, cause it keep me out of trouble.

FACEBOOK

Facebook - seemed innocent enough. A fun way to keep in touch with cast and crew from Ninja James and the Beast Boy. But then folks from my collage theater department “found” me. I didn’t know I was lost, but it’s a good feeling to be found just the same. Then people from another college I went to “found” me. Then high school folks “found” me, and so did summer camp friends, traveling friends, European friends, and friends from various places I’ve visited and lived. Which truthfully has been great and even a bit overwhelming. But my real question is why does almost everyone who “friends” me, always asks me “Is this THE Leslie Langee?” or “Can this be THE Leslie Langee?” or “Holy shit! THE Leslie Langee?” Now I’ve never been too concerned about my reputation (or lack there of), but I’m beginning to wonder, why the hell is everyone capitalize THE? Did I used to write my name like that? Did I refer to myself in third person? Am I wanted by law enforcement? Perhaps they thought I had died? I dunno, but I’m getting a bit paranoid. Facebook - its got weird all over it!

art = life

................. Dancer in Black by Fabian Perez ..................


I've realized that I must do something creative in life, no matter how big or small. If I ignore that part of me, because I've gotten caught up and overwhelmed with the needs of others, I quickly become irritable and out of sorts. I find myself pacing, and getting the "I-gotta-act/write/sing/dance/LIVE, or I'm-gonna-go-outa-my-mind" kind of restlessness (and I'm not even a good dancer!). If I ignore my art/life connection for too long, I become a depressed shell of a person, with very little give to anyone. The point is, being creative is integral to living and we often push it to the side for the sake of others. We forget that it is in the fabric of who we are and it's as important as breathing.

Going Somewhere!!

My HOROSCOPE FOR TODAY January 28th 2009
Leo (7/23-8/22)
Where you are going with someone isn't clear, but it's clear you are going together.

It must be true because it was in my Yahoo horoscope!
Actually, it really is true. I don't know where I'm going. I usually never do. But I do know, that I'm getting there with more than just one person.
I'm on a journey everyday with every person I know and don't know. People I notice on the street and those who walk by my office window. I'm in their journey too, and no one knows where we are all going.
And that's really cool.
(finger snaps...)

back to self

Great Call back but didn't book the job. ARGH!!
(Whew, thank goodness that perky attitude is over!)

Good and Good

Is it my new habit of a daily double espresso? Good sleep? Stars aligned just right? Don’t know. But for some reason I’ve been feeling mighty good. Was it that I had a good audition on Friday or that I saw lot’s of acting friends at a mixer Friday evening? Could it have been that on Saturday, my kid made his first ever lay up shot at his basketball game (and the crowd goes wild!!), or that I went to a Gala on Saturday night and had a really fun time? Could it be that I've gotten off my tush and will soon start a script writing workshop and a painting class? Maybe it’s that I’ve gotten a few things done around the house that have been bothering me for months. Perhaps it’s that Bush is finally out and after 8 long depressing years, Americans can finally be proud of our president.

President Obama.
A child feeling great about himself.
Proud parents.
Seeing friends, getting stuff done, writing and painting.

It all adds up to feeling mighty good!

Restless!!

What happened?? I was working on nothing really important, when I felt the strongest pull to travel. An overwhelming desire to strike out into the "great wide open." It completely took me by surprise. This is not some pack up the minivan and let's hit the beach. I'm talking about grabbing the backpack and hiking through Europe, exploring small islands off of Thailand, bumping along in a gold and green rickshaw through New Delhi.
Whoa. Not just yet momma, a few more years yet.

Pooh!

Procastination

Damn, damn, damn this procrastination!!! It curses me. What is the cure for this terrible waste of time. Well, not a total waste. I have really enjoyed reading the paper, catching up on emails, yakkity yakking on the phone, daydreaming, making chamomile tea with honey, more daydreaming, looking out the window at the beautiful oaks that canopy my office, appreciating the beauty of the day and my life...

So does this means that procrastinating is the art of active avoidance? That procrastination equals living in the moment?

Holy cow - Enlightenment!

And to think I wasn't getting anything done. Silly me!

2009!

The holidays are over, the kids go back to school tomorrow and I'm gearing up for the new year. On my to do list is to get the rough draft put together on a feature I'm writing, work on my film editing skills (or lack there of), get back into the gym ( I would like to go skiing and I'd like to get into shape before hitting the slopes. Otherwise the slopes will throw me down the mountain like a rag doll.), get going on the acting class that will really challenge me, do a decent spring cleaning, be a great friend, do more meditation, practice more understanding and forgiveness in others and myself, be there to help my children grow into well adjusted adults, be a better sister and daughter, help the homeless, work on world peace and end worked hunger. O.K. maybe a little too over the top toward the end of my list. But wouldn't it be pretty cool if it all worked out?
Happy New Year!!